....eldermuse.net....

I already love 2012

2012-01-10T22:00:00.000-08:00

I already love 2012. It is already filled with newness, aliveness, new beauty and possibilities. A new woman has entered my life who I have begun to learn from.

She is teaching me.

And I've had very little contact with her really. But she has occupied my brain
with questions, thoughts, wonder.

2012 and I already like her. I like how she looks and sounds and feels, already.

I also wish to memorialize today (still another reason I already love 2012)
by noting that it was tonight, January 7th, that I "got it" that I have what I
was meant to have in relationship to another. The other who occupied my brain body heart and soul for two years. It became crystal clear that I have learned, I have related to, we have had give and take, we have had give and take, and she has said good-bye, and so have I.

2012 has already, in its short infancy, provided me with incredible jaw dropping amazement. Thank you 2012. Thank you Adonai for allowing me the gift of discernment, new opportunity, new possibility of lessons and love.

A Time of Richness

2012-01-04T18:57:00.000-08:00

I have bathed in the thoughtful words of my old friend Janice these past few days. I have felt the luxury of spending whole days with someone totally trusted, totally non-judgmental, totally comfortable with me, her, us. Sharing precious time together; precious because it is not often spent.

Today I also spent precious time with a new friend Andy. The process of shared discovery in telling who we are.

I said:
I don't do superficial.
I like to go deep.
Into the very heart and soul of a matter,
into feeling, into movement, into moment.

She said:
Yes, I know.

I didn't ask her how she knows; I trust she can see.

As I play back this morning's exchange, I can't help but note,
in awe and wonder:
That delving into the contemplation of G-d, the Divine,
is the deepest I can go.

Once there, heart fully open,
there comes a joy and aliveness
that knows no bounds.

A burst of sparks and flame which allows
body, mind, heart, soul to be part of the One.

The richness of human communication; a path to the Divine.

Psalm 69

2011-12-09T16:25:00.000-08:00

Sitting, listening to my Rabbi, Gershon Winkler, I often get chills down my spine, then tears in my eyes, as the Truth of what he is saying washes over my soul. I am captivated by his ability to delve deeply into the Mystery of this Dear World. Such mystery and depth feeds me.

Gershon translated a section of Psalm 69:14 and I submit his translation below. I confess that I had to read it 20 times before I truly "got it." And when I did, it
reverberated through my body as a shock of sheer delight and joy. I now read it daily to regenerate my store of Hope and Faith.

Psalm 69:14 - Translated by Rabbi Gershon Winkler:
And I,
My prayer is directed to you
Infinite Mover of the Universe
When the moment coincides with the Will
Elo'heem
In your magnanimous benevolence
Respond to me
In truth
With your support.

A Woman as Beautiful

2011-11-20T11:25:00.000-08:00

I was recently told
by another woman
that she finds me beautiful.

I believe telling another woman
that she is beautiful
should never be said lightly,
without total conviction.

And should always be received,
with total conviction.

For the beauty that one sees in another
is only their reflection of G-d.

11/11/11

2011-11-09T13:14:00.000-08:00

I am so very happy to have the opportunity
in my lifetime
to be able to write
11//11/11
as the date.

Notice, Not Judge

2011-11-09T13:06:00.000-08:00

We can notice
things, people, ourselves
but not judge.

When you notice
and not judge,
not even have to judge...

When you notice
others, strangers,
especially strangers
who we are to love as ourselves

When you notice
and not judge
yourself
You begin the spiral towards happiness.

Let Go! Go Forth!

2011-10-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

I've spoken deeply with four women who have recently, within the past two years, lost partners. Three to death. One to relationship loss. Each tells me that their deepest yearning, their deepest loss is Being Known. They miss the fact of another human knowing them intimately. They miss this the most, long for this the most. They want to be KNOWN intimately, deeply by another human being. When married/partnered, each had this sense of Being Known. This lack is the soul and heart longing which causes them the most grief.

I too want dearly to Be Known. Known by someone who is a soul-heart-mind-body partner, help-mate, equal-mate, life-mate to me. Having someone to hear and share in the process of life.
The Hebrews' have a concept of "A Neighbor in Heaven." A heavenly neighbor who is a friend and deeply trusted; a heavenly partner whose spiritual qualities are equal to one's own. I am seeking my soul's Heavenly Neighbor/Partner right here, on earth.

I wrote the above during the end of another magnificent summer of solo, plus two dogs, travel. Nearly 4,000 miles of seeing this country's most magnificent roads and scenery. At one destination, I attended a Jewish Women's Retreat in northern California; this is where I engaged in deep conversation with the four women above.

All of the women at this retreat were tasked with the command: Yetsi'at Mitzrayim! the command to Go Forth! Go forth from where you presently are. Go forth from your place of narrowness; from your place of "being stuck." Your very own Exodus from that internal place of narrow enslavement. As God commanded Abraham: "Lekh Lekhah!" Go! Leave! Leave your familiar surroundings and seek your path.
As Life asks of us, sometimes too often in our lives, Go Forth into a new existence. Build a new life and come out on top! Go Forth and begin anew.

At this Jewish Women's Retreat, we were asked to discover that thing, that place of narrowness/constriction which keeps us stuck, keeps us trapped; and to begin the leaving process.
What are we leaving behind?
What do we take?
How do we prepare?
What do we wish our future to look like?

I chose to leave my 'heart sickness' behind. Or rather, I chose to CONTINUE the process of leaving heart sickness. I chose to continue to move into new possibilities, embracing Life.

We Jews have just concluded our New Year/Repentance/Forgiveness Holy Days of Awe. We now enter our Days of Gratitude, of Rejoicing, of Joy. On the Saturday of the Yom Kippur service my Rabbi asked of our group: "What do you wish to let go of?" AND "What do you wish to let in?"

So twice now, within the past three months I have been asked to Go Forth! Leave the Old! Begin Anew! Know what I wish to let go of.
In August it was heart sickness.
At Yom Kippur I chose to release the ENTIRE BAG of GRIEF which I have carried around for far too long. My sister's death, Margaret's death, love unrequited; even the grief of family lost in the Holocaust. I am now ready to shrug it off my back, off my being. Throw it AWAY. I prayed mightily that this be so.

Now, days later, it certainly feels that I have tossed grief aside. Will it last, this feeling, this freedom, this ability to just feel the love and joy of This Dear World, without the grief. I don't know. But I BELIEVE it will last. I know I must stay conscious of the process, of the INTENTION to let the grief go. I want to shoo shoo shoo it away.

Thus....I can truly no longer say that I am longing to be known.

I'm happy knowing myself. Knowing that I can shift my emotions; that I can stay open to Life and its possibilities.

From Samson Raphael Hirsch

2011-10-05T11:44:00.000-07:00

I'm presently reading The Torah, Samson Raphael Hirsch's translation and commentary.
I read a little from this exquisite Sacred Body daily.

There is so very very much that I could transcribe from Hirsch's Torah commentary to this eldermuse.net blog, and I will occasionally share something that has especially touched my heart.

The following is one such Hirsch gem:

"A heart that is full can always find its own ways
of self-expression, except when it is so full
that any expression would only detract from this fullness
and the most appropriate expression is silence."

Giving To Oneself

2011-10-02T23:03:00.000-07:00

I stretch daily, often more than once; five minutes,
sometimes more each time.
If not done, then the pain and stiffness of my right side become
unbearable. So that I focus too much on pain.

So I stretch. I feel myself loosen, open more, fuller, releasing pain.
I gauge my pain level today vs. last week, yesterday.
Even when there is no discernible improvement,
I love to feel the transition of the stretch...
the part of my flesh, my fabric, my being which does not hurt,
moves easily, freely, joyfully,
with the parts that speak age, stiffness, chronic pain tight rigid.

I give myself this stretching because afterwards

my melting pain
allows my heart to open wide

take in the grandeur of the beauty of the day
the rightness of outcomes
the many things I hold gratitude for
the fullness of life
the very fact that I can move.

Blessings, Everyday

2011-09-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Blessings seems too trite a word for the glorious expanse I have in my life.
For the grandeur which is my life.
To have the ability to have gratitude for all that I have.
Of late I have had gratitude for my ability to breathe, walk,
watch a flock of birds fly eastward with the sunset's rosey glow reflected
on their beating wings.
For a car that works, that reliably gets me to and fro.
For a to and fro to go to.
For the counterpoint of busy and significant things to do, listening,
helping to make change in how people feel,
having a clear purpose versus... doing nothing.
That one day, even two in a week, certainly Shabbat, to not go and do;
rather to just be.
Do exactly what I wish to do. Purposely not create, not commerce.

For my deeply heartfelt, mind, soul and body felt love of God.
For the ability to read the Torah and feel elation. My entire being is sparked, aglow with this Book.
Feeling as if I'm steeped in the love of God. Soulful Bliss.

For the ability to hear Rabbi Gershon Winkler (www.walkingstick.org) pour out nuggets of gold, silver, precious jewels of Wisdom, weekly. He comes to my Temple. He comes to us, those who love him. Weekly. I get to hear some finely tuned essence of Truth, essence of The Divine, from him, weekly.

For the splendid, continuing reception I receive from strangers who already feel as family. Temple members. Who are genuine. Real. Deep. And expect the same of me.

For the two creatures who inhabit my world, Reilley and Leo. These two canine souls who I love, who show me daily how to have fun.

Blessings All.

Blessings because they are Given.
I deserve this munificence no more than the next.
Awareness of this allows me to have Gratitude and Joy;
to give to my mind a glimmer of what my soul feels.
Rabbi Gershon first allowed me to realize that a mind wants total Joy too;
an Ah Ha moment if there ever was one, when he said:
The body and mind are always searching for what the Soul feels.
My mind dances in the words of the Torah, in the words of Gershon's love of Life.

What Can Only You Give Yourself

2011-09-12T22:45:00.000-07:00

Tonight I asked a 65 y.o. woman: What do you want that only you can give yourself?

Of course I had to answer this question myself;
and did so as I walked with Leo and Reilley tonight,
full moon in Pices.

What is it that only you can give yourself?
Why, love, respect, dignity. And forgiveness, compassion.

Gotten from others, maybe, hopefully;
but truly fulfilling when we give it to ourselves.

On the Cusp

2011-07-18T21:10:00.000-07:00

I am on the very cusp of my 63rd year,
and I have just now recognized,
honored, acknowledged, looked at......a habit of mine.

Something I feel I've always done, and haven't known before.
That is: I love to mix up, match up, blend different things
to create new smells, new tastes, new entities.

I have a need, which has become habit
to mix and create and blend different spices, herbs,
food stuffs, different essential oils, scents
into creations of delicious smell and taste.

One of my earliest memories is in the kitchen of
one of my aunts. There I am with my mother, aunts,
or maybe just one aunt....
but it was in their kitchen.
They expertly pound and mix and measure
all the while talking
to me, to each other, a stream of movement,
flour, eggs, butter, water becoming dough
which they knead shape cut stretch and place
to their liking;
clean kitchen towels, well worn wooden spoons,
the scale to measure in deci kilograms,
and their hair wrapped in the requisite scarf
tied aunt Jemima style
to keep the stray hair from the food.

I watched these women
create joy and excellent taste.

I was as much a part of their doing and creating
as anyone there.
I was given some childproof simple chore,
simple yet essential to the final outcome of
their creation.

Crack the walnuts, separate the meat from the shells,
then grind my walnut meat prizes for sprinkling into
the apple sugar spice filling mix of apple strudel.
Peel the boiled chestnuts, making sure to get all of
the fuzzy crust off;
these were mixed with whipping cream, sugar and rum
for the delicacy of chestnut pudding.
Of course peel potatoes, with an extremely sharp knife
which I could wield like a pro before I was ten.
Or pit the prune plums, ready them for insertion into
the squares of potato dough,
soon to be delicious sugar filled, and breadcrumb coated
Hungarian plum dumplings.

I was able to watch, listen and create with these first
important women in my life.

All of my life I have watched women
sure, confident, clear
about the act of creating tastes and smells,
in homes and kitchens where they feel free to create.

Later in my life I created with other women,
women who were chosen family; women I fell
in love with.
We did alot of cooking and baking and talking and
creating together.

I saw the kitchens of the women of my chosen family
before we made our own kitchen
before we organized mingled
her wooden spoons, cutting boards,
pots and pans, knives, all of her essentials
with mine.

I was always fascinated by the kitchens of others;
the place you feed yourself and the ones you love
what you want the food to taste like,
not what someone else thinks tastes good.
Where you create your own good taste.
Where you trust your judgement to
create a taste which you'll love,
which others will love,
or at least like.

So I watched and followed the women in my life.
And learned to create my own mixes and blends.

This mixing and blending which I bring to my life
gives me an opportunity to slow down,
do something which comes so naturally
that I don't have to be fully conscious of the act.

I'm just conscious of how the thing will taste,
or smell. The knowing exactly what to add to
bring the taste, smell to perfection seems innate.
Habit.
I aim for divine smell and taste follows.

The mixing allows my mind to wonder
and wander
and relax.

Here I am getting out my curry spices,
putting them on the counter to mix match and blend
into a stunning creation of good taste.
My mortar and pestle is as important to me as the Sabatier
chef's knife which my friend Demita gave me in my late 20's,
which I still use, which I would be lost without.
I take cardamom seeds from their pods, grind with fennel,
celery seed, ajwain, cumin,
mix the ground blend with cayenne, cinnamon, turmeric.
I make a delicious curry.

And blending smells.... scents,
which I've always done,
which I learned to do from the women in my life
who I watched.

There I am looking at my entire shelf of scents,
on the top row of my medicine chest.
Lots of them.
I like to keep the bottles as long as I can cause
they remind me of when....

I take an empty small vial and begin smelling and mixing scents.
I trust that what I create I will love, at least like.
Created scents which I love to wear
because the smell excites my senses.

Lavenders, patchouli, sandalwood, rosemary
these are some of the primary loves of my life.
Once you've had the privilege of caring for one or more of these
fragrant ones, in plant form,
ahhh,
you come to know their cycles of growth and flowering
their attracting bees, their dissuading deer from chewing.
They are so very kind and prolific
when planted in a coastal, south facing full
sun.... well established....with love.
I loved them and continue to have them in my life.

I love to smell them each one each as well mixed and matched.

I love the act of mixing things in the kitchen and bath.
Things which I use routinely in my life,
things which make my life rich and joyous.
Smells and tastes which spark my soul.

And I have a prayer book which praises God for the creation
of delicious smell and taste.
Can you see the pure joy
the pure joy I feel when I give praise for the very things
I cherish and do habitually.
The pure joy of being able to read
in black on white
praise
which makes
me aware of smell and taste in my life.
Which has sparked my new knowledge of my habit of
putting good smells and taste into my life,
my unconscious habit of mixing matching blending
now made conscious.

Here I am on the cusp of my 63rd year and I fully know
something about myself
which I hadn't before.
My love of mixing matching blending things to become delicious and fragrant.

A new piece of myself which I can own, love and appreciate.

Havdalah

2011-07-09T21:26:00.000-07:00

The Havdalah candle emits a powerful flame. Four braided wicks burning as One Flame. Letting the world know we are here. We are not going away. We are strong. We are One. Our God is One. The many is One.

I love to light the Havdalah candle, say the Havdalah Blessings, smell the spices, drink the wine, read the Siddur passages and contemplate the transition from Shabbat to the mundane week; the passage from Sacred to Ordinary...and how to keep the Ordinary...Sacred.

I continue to be filled with acknowledgement of God's work in my life. This is a blessing for which I'm incredibly grateful. I continue to pray for the ability to feel the joy and love which daily fills my soul.

The following is a passage from a poem "I'll Let You In On a Secret" by Jacob Glatstein, as translated by Ruth Whitman:
"The day is departing with a quiet kiss.
It lies open at your feet
while you stand saying the blessings.
You can't create anything yourself, but you
can lead the day to its end and see
clearly the smile of its going down.
See how whole it all is,
not diminished for a second,
how you age with the days
that keep dawning,
how you bring your lived-out day
as a gift to eternity."

How you bring your lived-out day as a gift to eternity.

DISCONNECT

2011-05-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

I am watching the footage of flood tornado
tornado flood ravaged large swaths of our mid-section
that middle America piece of us with a River
a mighty River running through us, be she Mississippi or Missouri
that piece of our land where farmers grow our midsections fat
plant our American midsection fat with corn
that piece of us which takes its lead from Mother.
The greatest Mother. One to be feared, who unleashes her Power and Fury.

Seeing pictures of the people, the average people, the poor people
the basic people of this mid-section...they survive.
They hold on, barely.
They are us, and not lucky.
There but for Grace, Amazing Grace, go I.

These people have all mushroomed in the past 40 to 50 years.
Actually, there is no "these people" as it is All We.
We have all mushroomed.
Compare group photos of US 40 years ago. Bodies now viewed
as almost thin, sleek, fit.

Watching the parade of tragedy and the people affected,
the nightly footage is relentless and almost predictable.
The reporter in L.L.Bean or Columbia wear, crosses a flooded street,
stands in the middle of some tragedy of tangled trees and homes,
showing us the visibly damaged homes, towns, lives
which we get to watch comfortably dry and unscathed
in living rooms on sofas which have also mushroomed.

As I watch, I see the extreme pain, tragedy, suffering
of people who can least afford more pain and hardship
in their too hard lives.
I look and cannot help but also see the disease and disability
which these "unlucky I" concomitantly suffer.
These but for fortune unlucky I
not only suffer their typical daily, weekly survival;
now made worse by Mother River, Mother Rain, Tornado
they suffer too the painful facts of their disease and disability.

The diabetes which eats away bodies as surely as any past plague.
The straining hearts aching from being over larded, aching too from
Mother River, Mother Rain, Tornado's wrath.
The teen aged girls who are too young to be so large,
their mothers too young to be obese,
and the pregnant men.
All of the men carry at least four month olds, a few are full term.

This over larded midsection carries the ache of loss
and the ache of disease and inflammation.
The fiery burn of stomach acid tossed into mouths made
bitter from unexpected tornado flood loss, and disease.

I watch the nightly view of destruction and ask:
What is wrong with a cultural, societal, group ethic
which believes that the remedy is better than prevention?

We've created a multi-billion dollar industry to remedy us.
To fill us with potions and pills to treat our mushrooming midsections.
The remedy industry.
The people who do not question
that popping pills to cure our pains and ills
is an acceptable way to deal with mushrooming disease.

The pill for erectile dysfunction,
for an intestinal tract burning, screaming daily for respite.
For cholesterol, blood pressure, blood sugar
mushroomed too high from our groaning excess.

An industry which accepts the presumption
that mushrooming people is not the problem
rather just treat the results of being over larded.
Cure with a remedy.
One which we're quite happy to sell you.
We'll take your money, little as it is.

A cultural normal of remedy rather than prevent
creates entire industries creates employment creates profit
for those who traffic in the pain of others.

Pharmaceuticals employ our educated doctors schooled to
dispense pills
not facts about disrupting the too large midsection's
cause of inflammation, disease, burning pain.

Our larded mid-sections cause diabetes, heart disease, erectile missteps,
intestinal woes, arthritis, dementia, loss of vision, even cancer.
Pharmaceuticals provide financial security for retirement accounts and
ad agents. Our six o'clock TV ads exhibit the inflamed sufferings
of our midsections, all one cause, remedied with sundry pills.
The 20 second new age tech and networking ads for heartburn, erectile
relief streamed through computer, smart phone.
Please God keep the need for pills to feed our profits.

The hospital-medical industry thrives along with pharmaceuticals.
The one job segment not losing workers to China, India, Singapore.
Affording women decent pay as nurses; medical tech jobs still abound
in markets bereft of hope.
Physicians unschooled, unpaid to teach real relief not gotten from a pill.
Thus the teaching doesn't happen.

We surrender ourselves to the care of the uncaring.

Who in the national discourse sees the DISCONNECT
between the growing girth of us, the incessant cultural picture
of inactive too doughy icons who use, or will soon need to use
pharmaceutical products.
Who links the growth of our mid-sections with the growth of medical cost?
Our mushrooming bodies yield mushrooming bills, debt,
private, state and federal.

We see eating, having fun having jolly
laughing more jolly reflections of us,
having fun as we down the things
which cause disease and pain.

Who is talking about the insanity of continuing what we have
made readily cheaply available for people to eat.
The too salted, fatted overly refined grains shaped into cleaver
new scoops to hold a newly discovered dip.
The candy everywhere society.
The college and high school campus selling candy
large parents bringing sweet treats for their large star performers.
Sugar, candy, fat, salt, processed is everywhere.

Organizations we trust, we give money to, those paragons whose mission
is to advocate for public health, our health:
American Cancer Society
American Heart Association
American Diabetes Association
Kaiser and worthy others...tell us continually:
EAT MORE FRESH FRUIT AND VEGETABLES.
LESS PROCESSED FOODS AND MEAT.
MORE WHOLE GRAINS. LESS SUGAR. LESS SALT.
LESS FRIED IN FAT WHICH EXACERBATES INFLAMMATION.

The telling, the message, the accepted voice of what we are to do
tells us to consume that which is most difficult to find.
Most costly.
Not easy to prepare when we have forfeited our daily kitchen skills
when we must deal with two jobs to keep us together,
when we must deal with no job and still try to keep us together.
Difficult to find food when one travels away from home, on the road.
Certainly unobtainable after Mother River, Mother Rain, Tornado hit.

What we presently have is hurting us. A DISCONNECT from the reality of need.
Need for icons, systems, cultural supports, cultural norms which afford
relief from disease and pain. Relief from our burgeoning pill box.
I have seen the pain. I continue to see the pain.
We all hurt because of this DISCONNECT.

Sweet Doggie Reilly

2011-05-27T13:02:00.000-07:00

She is old; soon to be 13 the end of June, 2011. She is deaf; lost her hearing about 3 years ago. She has a growth under her left front paw pit (what would be a human arm pit). She no longer is in the lead when we walk. She's taken doggie Callie's spot before she died, in the rear. My new doggie Leo is now in the lead, with me in the middle, and Reilley dutifully keeping pace.

She is now so very precious to me. Margaret brought her home, to give Callie a friend to play with during our too long work days. Reilley was 6 months old when I first saw her. A too large head, baby teeth which were too widely spaced apart, and a willful attitude which caused her to run away her first day with us. The woman who found her was a dog lover and all was good, but she gave us a scare from the get-go. Callie remained the alpha dog, and Reilley was happy to do Callie's bidding.
Callie was my favorite because of her extreme sensitivity to my moods and the way she could vocalize her pleasure at being held. When Callie died in August 2008 at 13.5 years old, I was thrilled to have Reilley as a living reminder of Margaret.

Now each day, I realize how very precious Reilley's life is to me. I love her smell, a blend of sun drenched dog hair and musky dog. I love her otter shaped head and looks, her loving vocalizations, her ability to know my hand commands and the easy routine we have fallen into. Two walks a day, two meals a day, a "treat" of Mary's vegetables and some grain at noon when Mary cooks lunch, her doggie bed, and the backyard which she is no longer interested in. Her life is 18 to 20 hours of naps and sleep, and 4 to 6 hours of fending off Leo's humping attacks. She is tolerant. She is patient. She is loving. She is precious. She is Border Terrier.

And I will have another loss to deal with when she passes. I pray that we have at least two more years together.

Fortune

2011-05-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

I realize, deeply, daily, several times daily, that I take into my being,
into my totality,
the fact of my good fortune.
I have been granted my deepest prayer.

I have prayed lifelong, daily: God Help Me To Realize
That Loving You
is the Most Important Thing in my life.
I can honestly say that I have this.
Now.
At this time of my life.

And it came to fruition with Judaism.
I vowed during my Immersion into Living Waters,
my Conversion to a part of my being which always
felt that it was, but truly was not.

I did not understand and now I have so very much to understand
and absorb.
But which feels joyful, loving, beautiful. I have added Beauty to my life.
In comes daily in the form of Torah.
Torah has entered into my consciousness, into my being, into my depths.
At my Immersion I vowed that I would stop the sense of fruitlessness,
of negation, of grief
which twinged my totality.

I am now understanding at a deep level that I have
tremendous love for The Divine/The Oversoul/
The Melech of Creation/Adonai/Eloheinu/Shekinah/YHWH/God/
All Powers/Unfathomable/Unknowable/Compassionate/
Loving/Forgiving/Merciful/Creator of All.
I access this sense of love often.

How fortunate I am that I continue to have a spiritual community.
Such community has been in my life more years than not and I again have this.
People with whom I resonate,
with whom I can praise, glorify, sanctify, worship, love The Divine/Adonai...publicly, for all to see and feel and be part of.
A Rhythm of Rituals, Festivals, Social Being; of Divinity, Gratitude and Praise.

Which fills me with tremendous joy; and new purpose. New goals. New study and learning allowing me to continue to go deeply into my innermost being.

Which is where I like to be.

Your Emotional Grace

2011-05-26T11:24:00.000-07:00

Mary began an eight week support group: Your Emotional Grace at the conclusion of her healing nutrition classes hosted by the Ventura Unitarian Church: Your Body's Grace. She wanted to create a support group for women who required more and intensive prodding to deal with their negative self image. This negative self image which many women carry, which eats at the very heart and fabric of their being. It eats at their emotional health and is the primary factor in their poor physical health, reflected in their poor eating choices. Women are intimately connected to their sense of self via their bodies. Our looks, attractiveness, physical appeal to others has become a way for women to judge their worth.

I wish it were not so.
I wish that all women could realize that the true basis of their worth is the goodness of their actions towards others, the goodness of their intentions, the love they show towards others, the manifestation of God's Spark in their souls.
As the first century B.C.E. Jewish Sage, Hillel said (and this is the foundation for: Love thy neighbor as thy self):
"What is hateful unto you, do not do unto your neighbor."
This is the true merit of our being. Not our looks. Not our looks.

Thus once again, I conducted a group to provide women a safe place to share and become vulnerable to confront deep issues, fears, which keep them stuck in negative habits and thoughts. I have previously conducted such groups, thus felt comfortable with my charge:
(Taken from my 'mission statement' for this group)
I will call this group: Your Emotional Grace. You will learn that what you eat intimately affects your emotions, as well as a host of other body functions.
I will ask you to look at yourselves and to trust that you can tell what you find to other women who vow to not disdain you, to not mock you, to totally respect and hear what you have to say. If you become vulnerable to this group, you will be safe. These women may even come to love you.
This is what I expect and will do my best to assure its cultivation.
We will discuss your deeply held perceptions which have proven to be negative for you. We will find ways to change these perceptions and grow.

Now, at the conclusion of the eight weeks, I am thrilled to note here, publicly, that all of the eight women in this group have in fact made major strides in their emotional/physical selves.

With the goal of aiding women who also seek support to change the negative patterns/thoughts which keep them trapped in a body which they dislike (even despise), I am publishing the questions I've posed to this group to help their transformation.

Group I
1) What is your ethnicity and where did you grow up?
2) Do you cook? If yes, for how long have you done so, and do you feel comfortable doing it? If no, do you want to cook? What stops you?
3) What belief(s) about yourself do you wish to change?
4) When did you first come to believe this thought/idea/"fact" about yourself?
5) How has this thought/idea/"fact" served you in the past?
6) How does it no longer serve you?
7) Name at least 3 things (more of course!) that you do well, have mastered, are more than competent in. (I'm looking for you to talk about the achievements in your life.)

Group II
1) What DO you trust about yourself, and why?
2) When do you begin to take YOUR needs seriously? When do you honor what YOU need?
3) At what point in eating does the comfort turn to discomfort?
4) What does food numb you to?
5) List 3 ways you can increase your physical activity.
6) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How the desire to change is actually aiding the process of change.

Group III
CONCEPT: It is NOT deprivation to not eat food which causes pain. (Pain of physical discomfort, emotional discomfort, actual disease and disability.) This is not about deprivation; it is about "having." When you feel better physically/emotionally then you are more alive; and are able to share your aliveness with others.

CONCEPT: Dieting will ALWAYS fail because in "dieting" we so deprive ourselves of sufficient calories AND nutrients, that we can only "take it" for so long before our cells literally scream for what we need. When we lack nutrients, we simply crave calories; thinking that the extra calories will meet our nutrient needs. Thus we don't crave say high iron foods when we are anemic, rather we crave the sugary/salty/fatty foods which simply supply calories -- LOTS of calories.
Also, "dieting" is fundamentally seen as "temporary", thus the desire to be "off" the diet.

CONCEPT: The process of changing WHAT you eat literally changes the cellular makeup of your body, which changes your emotions.

CONCEPT: The process of changing HOW you think, changing your thoughts, also literally changes the neuropathways in our brain. We begin to create new neuron pathways leading to new thoughts, new feelings. We open up to new possibilities. We don't get stuck in negative thoughts about ourselves which keep us from feeling totally alive. Joyful. Grateful. Loving.

1) Write about the women who have modeled for you hot to "be" regarding food, your body image, your worth, your work.
2) Regarding feeling "not good enough" write about how your life evidences PLENTY, BEING LOVED, YOUR GENEROSITY. What do you have ENOUGH of? For what are you grateful?
3) MIRROR WORK: each time you encounter a mirror in a private place (typically a bathroom): Look deeply into your eyes and say: "I love and accept myself exactly as I am."
4) Begin to become clear about exactly what is shifting for you. Be able to say what is happening in your body, in how you perceive your self, your abilities.
5) Stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of how your naming of a belief which no longer serves you has begun to effect change in yourself. How your desire for change is actually aiding the process of change.

Group IV
CONCEPT: YOU ARE THE PARENT TO YOUR BODY. As such, as a parent would, do all things concerning your body with Unconditional Love, Patience, Acceptance, Trust in Good Outcome. This is truly about cherishing your body, your Self. Your body as a reflection of God.
As humans, we change because of abject fear, terror, shock...or love.

1) Formulate, state the NEW belief you are forming for yourself. (First state the OLD belief, then the NEW one.)
2) State in detail how you are making the new belief happen.
3) What are you doing for movement/exercise? Be specific.
4) Continue your Mirror Work.

Group V
CONCEPT: Understand that one can NOTICE, WITHOUT FORMING A JUDGEMENT.
You can notice things about yourself, your feelings, your attitudes, your body, as well as notice these things in others....and accept and love, rather than judge.

Remember that each time you do for yourself, any act of daily maintenance, from paying bills, to cleaning, shopping, cooking, housework, even eating.....do it with love. Each time you do for yourself without love, notice this and ask yourself why.
Why not kindness for yourself?

Also, take NO PRIDE in changing how and what you eat. This is NOT about feeling superior to others. Parenting oneself, caring for oneself is not a matter for pride, it is just something we do because we must do it; as a parent must care for their child. As you change your food choices to achieve self care, remember that Hitler was a vegetarian. If we judged one's character based upon what they ate, we would be woefully woefully wrong.

1) What are your beliefs about moving your body?
Continue to stay CONSCIOUS/AWARE of your process of change.

Group VI
In this group we cooked a meal together. We cooked and ate from Mary's "Triad": Protein/Vegetables/Whole Grains.

We had a feast of quinoa; Chinese style tofu and vegetables; Italian style tofu and vegetables; and for those who wished, sauteed shrimp with spinach. We also feasted on homemade crackers and guacamole dip; vegetarian chili beans; and a 3 bean salad. Dessert was a fresh assortment of berries and soy cream.

As we cooked we discussed easy and practical cooking tips, keeping it simple, and no need for fear!

As we ate we discussed how one knows what Satiety/Satisfaction feel like; how to know when to stop eating. And we discussed the process of becoming overweight: how one accommodates the body to slowly and continually being able to eat more. The slow progression of gastro-intestinal problems, aches and pains, poor lab results, dislike of movement, etc. And how likewise, in the reverse process of gaining a body of health, one must slowly and continually accommodate the new feelings of eating less, eating different choices. The things one must stay aware of in regard to what is placed in our mouths. Just as we stay quite aware of what is placed in our bodies, on our bodies.

Group VII
This group consisted of Mary doing individual assessments of each woman's progress.
Nearly all of the eight women were able to fundamentally change their old, no-longer-useful negative self perceptions.

One of the women who felt "not good enough" was clearly able to see that: "There is no such thing as earning the right to be." She is involved in a Course in Miracles and could thus state, with conviction: "Illusion recognized must disappear."

One of women who believed that her entire life is chaos was able to sense a paradigm shift in her perceptions about stress. She had begun to recognize: the point that her stress begins in her day (vs. previously never recognizing stress, and automatically thinking the generalization that her entire life is chaos; and using food to numb to this overwhelming belief). She was now able to drink water, breathe deeply, read, walk, garden, and make better food choices as ways to deal with stress.

Several of the women stated what they are NO LONGER BUYING in the grocery store (ice cream, crackers, chips, chocolate, and white flour products, white rice and refined grain products).
Awareness of what you no longer eat is a wonderful way to see what you now allow into your being/for your being.

For the eighth and final session, the women were asked to respond to these questions:
1) Please state as specifically as you can, how your life has changed in the past eight weeks re: Your Body; Your Appetite/Cravings; Your Moods; Your Sense of Self and Your Love of Yourself.
2) Can you foresee things changing back to how you previously felt? How "ingrained" is your knowing that how you feel now is better?
3) How would you change the group process to improve your experience?

Group VIII
At this final session the women responded to the questions above, as well as reiterating the things they planned to do to continue their changes. And generally, Mary reminded them of the need to Parent Their Bodies: to eat well to create a healthy "cellular soup" for their mental as well as their physical health. To use deep breathing as a tool to relieve stress. To create new intentions and attitudes about loving yourself. To use Mirror Work and KINDNESS TO YOUR SOUL to allow you to totally remove guilt and self abnegation. AND, to take pleasure in eating and doing that which allows you to remain whole, vital, and alive.

A Rabbi's Blessing

2011-04-21T23:45:00.000-07:00

Rabbi Shoshanah Devorah lives and tends her garden of Souls
in Mendocino County.
She is a white haired beauty who has always been exquisitely kind to me.
Twice now, at critical junctures in my life,
once after Margaret's death,
and again in December 2010,
she has lent me her ear,
her counsel,
her heart and goodness.

She has held my face in her hands
and wished me grace,
wished for me God's face shining on mine,
and the presence of peace.

She has wished for me God's face shining on mine.

Such a wish is what someone tells their child,
their dearest loved one.
Such a wish is only spoken from one soul to the other.
From one who has yearned for, maybe even felt
God's face shining on theirs.

This wish she gave to me.

Today I received another Blessing from this kind woman:

Dear Mary,
Seems to me your "being Jewish" ceremony is coming up in just two weeks now, so I want to wish you a big Mazal Tov! May the occasion be even grander/deeper/higher than you can imagine, and may your Jewish life continue to reward you, and those you touch, deeply in the years to come.
I am present with you energetically as you affirm who you are,

B'shalom oovracha
Bruchah HaBa'ah
In Peace and Blessing and Welcome,
Shoshanah

May the occasion be even grander/deeper/higher than I can imagine.

And I realize that I am coming into a sacred moment of my life.

I will share my deepest love of God with others.

Why I Love Judaism

2011-04-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Cause I can see the waxing moon growing nearly full with a plane's pink contrail against an azure blue sky and know that in two days we will celebrate this particular full moon with the Festival of Unleavened Bread, Passover. A Celebration of Freedom from Slavery, coming out of Egypt, out of our Narrows, coming into Freedom, New Life.

My Rabbi, Gershon Winkler, teaches that this Coming Out of Our Narrows should ideally occur certainly yearly with Passover's Remembrance, but daily, daily renewing our commitment to Freedom, Aliveness, Acceptance and Love. Come out of our constriction of mind, narrowness of thought, hatred and pettiness.

Weekly Shabbat creates a time of Renewal, Time of Rest and Honoring The One who Created us and Our World. Lighting candles to hallow the passage of Night into Day, acknowledging Time the Creation of the fact of Time. Honoring the tiniest particle of what God, Sovereign of The Universe, has given to us. Creator of the fruit of the vine, our bread, our working bodies, our Souls. Healer of all flesh. Giver of All. A Creator who asks us to act as Loving, Discerning Co-Creators, who gives us some simple rules, to keep us Human.

I Love Judaism because weekly, in Temple, my body turns into a receptacle of Love, a puddle of Joy and Bliss. I am with a Body of People who unite to Love God, who wish to be with other Jews to Sing, Praise, Rejoice, Grieve and Pray Together for the benefit of ALL. Who wish Peace Peace and Goodness to ALL; despite centuries of suffering extreme hate extreme cruelty extreme torture and extreme killing. We wish Peace, Kindness and Goodness for ALL. Still.

Cause this Body of People, Yisrael, are community community community and if needed would care for me, do care for me, love me and each other. Who hallow each presence with friendship and respect. Because this Body of People, Yisrael, watches the Moon; celebrates the New Moon; celebrates Festivals on the Full Moon. Who Love Words, hold Sacred a Text The Torah which has survived survived which is discussed, picked apart, thought deeply about, cherished. Who take nothing for granted. Whose ancestors' lives have been examined in detail, story by story, word for word, even letter for letter and they have been found to be fearless, brave, generous, loving, merciful, forgiving; also vengeful, lacking, all too human. But foremost these Ancient Souls believed in Themselves and in Their One God Creator of The Universe. Their stories provide hope and guidance for living our own lacking, wanting, all too human lives.

Because my People, Yisrael, have rituals which cause me to purposefully stop, consider Good in my life and Good in others. My People sing out praise for Our Creator. Praise. Joy. The collective, ritual acknowledgement of our Oneness, God's Existence and Oneness, Graciousness, Goodness, Mercy and Kindness. We are asked to personally interact with God by being an example of Adonai' Light when we interact with others. I love to be reminded, ritually, purposefully, so that I may consciously, and collectively with all Jews, display my love of God.

I love Judaism because it is Rich and Deep and Loving and Sparks every fiber of my being. I am proud to become a Jew, to enter into an Ancient Family to whom I have always belonged. To honor that part of my family who have suffered mightily for just being who they are, for the Love of Adonai.

Two Women Walking Arm in Arm

2011-03-17T21:33:00.000-07:00

Two women walking arm in arm
See Them....
linked arms, matching stride for stride,
measured and sure,
matching casual conversation,
think two Eastern European, French, Italian
African or Latin American
women totally at ease,
totally comfortable
taking public space and time.
Two friends, sisters, lovers,
relative of one sort or another
sharing words which matter, hold attention, have rich context
and meaning.

Two women walking arm in arm
connecting limbs, hearts, minds, ideas, spirits.
See the transfer of the bond passed easily
back and forth, consciously subconscious and appreciated.

Lovely to gaze upon, these two women
easy with each other, walking in step,
talking, sharing, the casual rhythms of the day
the whispered intimacies that each must hear
the Wonder of the flowers, shrubs, trees, sky,
buildings, others which surround
which create the context of their walk,
the flavor and tenor of that which
surrounds the sound of each voice, each dual step.

See the two women happy for their contact and connection.
Rejoice.

Positive Emotional Shifts

2011-03-08T22:15:00.000-08:00

I have always been acutely aware of my emotional state. I feel the shifts which occur, the ups downs extreme joys, the painful painful grief and depression.
I have learned that for me, it is best to listen, to own, to acknowledge what I'm feeling which makes it so very much easier to keep listening to what's going on inside.
It is not a burden to listen and to hear, to take in deeply the changes going on.

So it was with immense joy of recognition of knowing today that a perceptible shift had occurred.

A buoyancy, a lightness, a warm joy filled my being today. As warm as playing doll house with your favorite niece. And warmer still.

I kept checking in all day to see if it was still there, and in doing so, I'd feel it again and it would tickle me sweetly.

I briefly wanted to give it a reason.
I searched for any obvious changes, the shifting new spring light, my being asked to do some future speaking and work for pay opportunities, having just completed my taxes, playing my saxophone more....oh there must be SOMETHING external to account for the warm tickle, warm glow seeping through my pores. But no, it was something else.

I have concluded that it is all and nothing of these externals. And the nothing part is a something internal piece.

An internal, deeply internal, deeply felt realization that weekly now, for the past 5 plus months, I am experiencing a deep bliss, a deep joy even ectascy when I attend Shabbat services on Saturday mornings.
It is a familiar yet so much deeper feeling from that which I habitually felt when I would attend weekly Surat Shabd Satsangs in Cambridge or Brookline. Then I was in my late 20's, early 30's, working too many hours, as well as getting a Masters degree, and of course consumed with an emotional and love life filled with mostly turmoil.
Singing Bhajans with love and devotion with a room full of people sitting cross legged, knowing we were sisters and brothers united by our love for our Guru, for our meditation. I went weekly to soak up this loving energy.

I slept a good deal at those Satsangs.
But when I wasn't sleeping, I was overcome with an immense gratitude and love for the world and this aspect of my life.

Now at Saturday Shabbat services, I don't sleep.
It is almost two hours of a surge of joy, bliss, feeling the presence of G-d, being absorbed in love.
Being personally, deeply internally absorbed, tears streaming down my face almost constantly as I read and pray and chant along with...
with a room full of people who are my famiy. Who I like being around, who I am falling in love with. People who talk to me and listen. People who are real. I may be the only one with streaks of salt water making my face glisten, but I hear love sung and voiced. I listen to these strange yet so deeply familiar words and watch my progress of seeing and understanding what comes next in the service.
I love the words and melodies and ritual and hearing and discussing a written piece of Torah. I am appreciating the significance of the Torah. I am loving being taken back to a time and place that is part of a past that is mine. I love thinking about the past, how we lived, what we loved.
I love coming to comprehend that Creation is the Gift which is celebrated;
celebrate the Creation with a day of reflecting on how wonderful it is.

I am feeling blown away by what happens to me to my body to my soul when I sit, stand, bend my knees and bow, again sit on Saturday mornings. I'm watching this happen to me. I'm experiencing it. I'm totally loving it.

Wow.

No kidding.

So, soon after this Saturday's service, driving home, feeling wonderful, I said to myself: hmmmmm, I get to experiience such a tremendous lift, loft of gratitude and love each week, hmmmmm that's truly marvelous. Hmmmmm, even if I expericnce my lonliness, my depression, my pining after my new love, my feeling about the loss of one or all of the four wonderful women from my life in five years (my sister, my wife, two extremely dear friends), hmmmmmm, even if I have hours of negativity....

Hell, being able to experience what I feel weekly, in services, is so amazing, so truly thrilling, that I need to focus on this; I need to understand that yes, there are lots of losses and pain that I feel...

But I feel a true shift in how I'm perceiving the state of my life. I am focusing more and more on the dozens of ways I am able to feel the presence of The Divine, of The Creator.
Of course at Shabbat service, but also often in my day.
By feeling The Creator, I feel and honor The Creation and
My life as part and parcel of This Creation.

My life being no more no less than a piece of the Whole.
Feeling Whole at Temple reminds me to feel it daily.
I had forgotten.

Reflections of Creation

2011-03-05T15:25:00.000-08:00

My backyard is home to several citrus trees,
one of which is a tangerine;
Dancy or Fairchild variety
most likely,
but like the pound doggie I've just adopted
it can't tell me its origins.

The fruit is exquisitely ripe just now.

I have just picked two of these
beautiful orange orbs
sundrenched, warm to the touch
warm to the tongue
easy to peel
perfect slices of sweetness

perfect reflections of the perfection
of Creation.

Details of Living

2011-03-03T19:50:00.000-08:00

You ask how I am
I say
"Good. I'm good."
Hear that you're not.
Not 100% physically.
I hear it in your voice
but you brave on
and ask me details confirming details
about friends of mine you barely know
whose existence and details
you've committed to memory.
Questions which keep you from talking
about you.

I don't tell you how I really am.

I don't tell you that I struggle daily
with my demons.
Those pieces of me that only want an end,
a way out, a resolution of the deep
loneliness
I feel.

Those demons that would just as soon have me
dead
onto the NEXT
the truly unknown.
The pieces which believe
nothing is new here
so why not just move on.

I give them traffic, a respectful due,
acknowledgement.
I listen and sometimes succumb to the deep emotion
they elicit.
Crying. Praying. Appreciating G-d
and finally reminding myself to
Trust.
Fully Trust that peace will pervade my life.

And suddenly they're gone. Negativity is played out.
The duties of the day creep in.
I busy myself with some detail
and I see really see
appreciate the beauty of the day.
Tending to the details of living.

The Perfume of Valentine's Day Flowers

2011-02-16T22:26:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day flowers given to me
not by a lover, my spouse, even someone
wishing to be my lover
but by one of my dearest friends
Ben.

Whom I speak with daily, who knows my
inner heart
mind and
soul.

Who honors me with words of appreciation,
acknowledgement,
love and more love
daily.

Who honors me by sharing his heart, mind and soul
the particulars of his life
who loves food as I do
and cooks
who loves music as I do
and listens.
Who shares my love of
the perfume of flowers
the fur of cats
the kiss of a woman.

Who loves Judaism as much as I do; more because
he has been a Jew much much longer than I.
Who trusts me with his life
and I mine to him.

What incredible fortune to have such a soul mate
such a help mate
to puzzle out these last years of our time here

from whom I receive Valentine's Day flowers.

A God Infused Time

2011-01-28T20:54:00.000-08:00

My dear friend Laura passed.
I wrote this to her family.

There are no words for this time.
This is a sacred time.
God infuses all of your space
your being, your sense of reality.

This is a God infused time because
this is a time of
profound soul work.

Laura's soul work, as well as your own.

Be exquisitely gentle with yourselves.

I love you.

The Mundane Made Sacred

2011-01-27T11:11:00.000-08:00

Each month, as I sit to clip my nails,
a necessary mundane act;
I have reason to Thank the Dead.

Not for the heady, kaleidoscopic
grandeur of their significance
to my life.

Not for their many profound gifts
which crept into my being, my cells,
my knowing of this Dear World
which formed and continues to
inform my daily thoughts and behaviors.

No, each month while performing this mundane act,
I have reason to give it sanctity, with
Their Remembrance,
and gratitude for their
simple, sturdy steel clippers
which I use.

How Do You Talk To A Dying One

2011-01-20T19:57:00.001-08:00

Tonight I spoke with my friend Laura
who is dying
who has been dying gradually gracefully
courageously
these past seven years

with peaks and valleys of good sometimes better
days and nights
learning to know a body wracked by the devastation
of chemical cocktails brewed with the best intentions
by trusted physicians with license to dispense
patches, wholesale cellular slaughter and pain,
which forestalls, which forestalled for Laura,
the inevitable.

But hospice has been called in
those guardians of the dying
those brave souls who are not afraid to attend
and witness.

Tonight I told her the depth of my love for her.
I told her "I'm not sure this is OK for me to tell you,
but I want to tell you
I want you to know
before you become totally incapable of comprehension,
before the encephalopathy worsens,
I want you to know how terribly I will miss you."

And I asked if she had forgiven herself,
of everything, of nothing, of the specific thing,
of the little and big things
that we all regret and don't let go
sometimes till it's too late.

The act of forgiveness makes necessary
acknowledgement
and heartfelt repentance
for some too human wrong
we failed to see at the time.

If needed, could she do this for her daughter,
and she said she yes, of course she could
forgive her daughter for anything
continue to love her....always.
Then can she also forgive herself.

And I asked if she had forgiven the others,
of everything, of the specific thing,
of the little and big things
the too human thing the almost inhuman things
that were done to her.

I could not settle asking about the weather
what she ate the particulars of how her body feels
the specifics of her day.

I had to ask the thing I would want asked of me
as I ready my soul for dying
as I grapple with my soul for living.

Grape Seeds 6,100 Years Old (N.Y. Times January 11, 2011)

2011-01-11T09:56:00.000-08:00

Oh my, to live in a world where we can discover
grape seeds 6,100 years old.
Where we know with certainty that these grape seeds
are 6,100 years old.
To know that these seeds were part of the ancient
process of fermentation which produced wine
sacred wine.
To understand that wine was actually being produced
at least 1,300 years prior to the 6,100 year find,
to know that humans were altering their consciousness
7,400 years ago, and of course much much longer,
with grapes, with love, laughter, dance, song, music.

And the real miracle... these 6,100 year old seeds will be
planted in today's soil; will possibly sprout, grow, thrive
to produce grapes which we will make into wine
sacred wine.

The Elixir of Creation

2011-01-10T23:52:00.000-08:00

An antidote to despair and hopelessness
exists in the magnificent evidence of
G-d's exquisite creation, which

always appears in the sky

as a setting sun
plain or brilliant, just its fact
evidences beauty

unsettled, vibrantly colored clouds
all shades of white, pink, orange, gray,
all manner of shapes, streaks, variation, forms

birds about to take flight, birds in flight
the arch of wing, the grace of intuitive motion

the eternal gloss of our moon
her daily perceptible changes

stars in or out of our mind created
formations, designations, constellations

the rainbow's glowing gay colors
now with my newly forming Jewish mind
showing Adonai's covenant with Noah,
with all humans

and the too infrequent shooting star
which always always leaves a trail of
awe and glee in hearts fortunate enough
to look.

The Elixir of Hope

2010-12-30T20:02:00.000-08:00

I am in the process of withdrawal
from the elixir of hope
which daily I tasted this past year
with greedy lips accepting anticipation.

You fashioned and threw the cup
on my wheel of life,
you created the vessel.
I boldly filled it
with the brew of dreams, desire
and regular disappointments...
this heady mix of emotions
which daily flamed my blood
entered my mind
caused me intoxication
created the cascade of sweetness
joy longing hope love.

Today upon the fifth anniversary of discovering
death in bed at home
already discolored already cold already
not there not alive not in my life.
The discovery of my wife my loved one my life
no longer being.
Today I longed for death.

Today I contemplated the possible ways
to end the pain
of withdrawal from hope
to end the pain
of loneliness
to end the pain of losing the taste for life
of losing the intoxication of hope.
I howled in pain, I sobbed for hours.

The bubble of the frothy tonic burst
the constellation of sorrows poured
hopelessness.
Understanding the insanity of the world
knowing that children still die from
unclean water carried on heads gathered hours away
feeling the pain of the millions of Jews
who have suffered eternally
feeling the loss of my sister whose sweetness
allowed me to creep into her heart
knowing the frailty of all life
the heartache of coming face to face
with who I am who I am not.

All this and of course more so much more that
words can never touch
came crashing down on
my soul reeling from withdrawal.

Today I called Ben and he listened. He heard.
Today I did not succumb.
Today I lack the grace of gratitude which should
accompany the embrace of life.
Today my hold is tenuous.

Lizi, Lizi, Lizi

2010-12-30T09:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Lizi,
I have lied to you. I have lied to myself. It doesn't truly get better.
The hole is still there.
It may shrink some,it may develop a thin film, a thin veneer of sweetness,
even joy, but the hole remains.
All I wish to do now is dive into the hole and never surface.
Five years and it is as fresh as painful as day one.
In fact more so because the shock, that protective sheath of disbelief
is gone.
Forgive me.

My Sweet Adonai

2010-12-16T20:22:00.000-08:00

My Dearest Adonai,

I don't possess Hebrew.
I don't have the words to the prayers.
I don't have the times to bend my knees
and the pattern of Shabbos service.
I don't know all the Prophets, Psalms,
books of Torah,
I don't know Talmud, Midrash, the myraid Rabbis,
I don't know the calendar, all the festivals, holy days,

I don't know much about You and Your People,
All People,
I don't know so very very much.

I do know that I love you with all of my heart and soul.

And I am eternally Grateful that You have created me.

Loving Friends

2010-11-28T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have just now considered the people in my life who I love deeply.
Who I may not see or talk to for months, even years for one, and when we do we automatically go deep, our conversation goes to the heart of the matter, quickly, easily, effortlessly.
I counted a goodly six to nine of such friends. Those who I could call day or night, for anything. Those who I love and trust with my life.
I visited these friends early this November and all too briefly, revived the connection with them.

I wish to be always able to help create sparks of connection, and love.

I am counting Helena as one of these friends. She has careened into the ranks of 'Those Who I love and Trust With My Life' in such a short time. She has done what it took 20 to 30 years for the others to attain, in only a year. She has become one of the people who I love deeply.
We will be deep and excellent friends. We both want this.

Thus, I have opened myself up again to Adonai, to the Universe, to my fate. I have opened myself to the possibilities of touch, with whomever Adonai brings into my life. I have examined my heart, I know my heart; it can handle deep love, deep friendship, with yet another woman.

Adonai Adonai Adonai

2010-11-18T21:23:00.000-08:00

I am so grateful that I have another way of calling to God.

I now call out ADONAI, ADONAI, ADONAI as I take my nightly walk. ADONAI is now added to the other names I have for God, Sovereign of the Universe, Eternal One, Formless One, One found in each of Us.

I now say the Sh'ma Yisrael and blessings for the return of my soul...daily.
Blessed is God's glorious majesty foreveer and ever!

I now have new words to sing the praises of this God, this Being, this Force, this Goodness which I experience daily; which I truly cannot say exactly what/who/where She/He/It is, but I know it is there/here/in my life...daily.

I am so happy to have more ways, exquisite ways, more words, prayers, psalms, songs, poetry, more people I have come to appreciate and love, more ways to praise God.

I am so happy that I have found Judaism.

Amazing Women

2010-11-16T22:24:00.000-08:00

Today I had the privilege of teaching seven breast cancer survivors. They had asked me to present nutrition information to their weekly group hosted by a local regional medical center. I did my best to provide a summary of how to eat optimally, how to conceptualize and create, very practically, a pattern of best nutrition.
[If interested, please read my Nutrition piece on the right hand side of my Writing page on www.eldermuse.net.]

From the moment I walked into the meeting room and was greeted by the first woman there, I knew that I was not dealing with an ordinary group. As they kept arriving and talking, I was struck by their honesty and forthrightness in dealing with their struggle with mortality.
They are dealing with the matter-of-fact reality of women having to drastically change their priorities, their attitudes about themselves, about how they look, how their bodies appear to the world, about care of themselves, about care of loved ones now, and after; about interfacing with an entire medical community which they'd heretofore never even considered maybe never even knew existed

They have each spent a good chunk of their lives keeping appointments which no one truly believes they will ever have to make. They have chosen to place their lives in the hands of medical doctors who they have come to love and trust. Some have always or newly loved God and are using Religious Faith to heal. Some have totally embraced the fact of loving themselves, living day to day, attempting to not think of the future. Some of these women understand the need to live life consciously, deliberately, lovingly, with gratitude and appreciation, with awe and wonder and joy, daily. Marilyn told me that this is how she lives. Marilyn shines.

Each is coping with everything the typical middle aged or older woman faces, everything that goes wrong, that can go wrong, in our ordinary lives, getting into the world, interacting with the world, dealing with spouses, family, friends, work, chores....they face what everywoman typically faces, plus they top this off with the daily recognition of loss.

I shared what I know about eating to keep us whole, eating to help mend the world, eating with love for our bodies, eating for joy and flavor and pleasure. I attempted to summarize hours of what I would want to tell them in too short a time.

Thus I realize as I write about seeing these Amazing Women that I want to return regularly to be surrounded by women who are dealing with some of the deepest feelings a human will ever have.

A Gift

2010-10-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, October 15th, I visited the new home of L.A.'s Museum of the Holocaust. I arrived later than I'd wanted, and stumbled upon a talk given by a Hungarian survivor, Mary Bauer. Sitting amongst a handful of other listeners, I soon felt her words stir my mind, my heart, my deepest feelings. I was in tears within minutes of hearing her speak. I heard her words, spoken with the distinctive Hungarian/American accent so familiar to my ears; but I also took in her entire being. Her dress, attire, demeanor, hair, eyes, skin; she was very beautiful, well groomed, elegant. She spoke eloquently, almost matter of fact about her experience of Hell. Her story was a familiar one, echoing facts I knew, emotions I knew would come. I found myself totally captivated. She survived the time in Hell with her mother at her side.

After the talk, I stayed to hear her interact with another survivor from Slovakia who came up and introduced herself. They had both been in Auschwitz, the Slovakian woman having arrived several months later, in November, vs. Mary's arrival in April 1944. Mary wanted to compare their numbers, so they both read their numeric tattoos, and watching this made me weep again. A third survivor joined in, his tattoo also showed, and he spoke Hungarian.

The fact of hearing Hungarian, the poignancy of the stories, seeing these three amazingly beautiful souls still alive and bearing witness to Hell on Earth, all this continued to flood my heart with immense feeling.

As the Hungarian man turned to leave, I went up to him and told him, "Koszonom hogy it vagyol" (Thank you for being here) and took his hand and kissed it, saying, "Kezit Csokolom" (I kiss your hand) which is the highest sign of respect for a Hungarian. Then Mary turned to me and held my hand; I bent down, again saying, "Kezit Coskolom" to kiss her hand. We chatted, with her still holding my hand. Her warmth and grace continued to captivate me. She complemented me, telling me how young I look, how good my skin looks, the things that a Hungarian woman would see and comment freely upon to another woman. Her frankness, honesty, vulnerability, warmth, sincerity, strength, genuine ease in herself - all made her compelling.

I left her presence upon her commanding me (in Hungarian) to speak with the blonde with the long hair at the counter to find out when she would next present at the museum. She wanted to see me again, not lose contact, telling me in Hungarian, "I have two sons and neither of them speak Hungarian. You can be my daughter." I started towards the counter, but halfway there I turned away and sought refuge in the adjoining exhibit hall. I found a far wall to crouch near, buried my head and sobbed. The feelings were immense. As I cried, a man walked by, slowed his pace, and briefly stopped to gently touch my shoulder in comfort. I was grateful for this stranger's touch.

I have been teary, emotional, feeling tremendous gratitude for my life, for the perfection in my life, for my ability to feel such depth of love, joy in my soul, for my decision to convert to Judaism, for the bliss I feel when I hear the ancient Prayers recited on Shabbat, when I read the words to these Prayers, when I hear the singing, the songs on Shabbat. I cry, I feel my heart is flooded. All of this, coupled with my deep feelings of love for Helena, the woman who months ago captivated my heart; and I feel full to bursting. Helena meets me, she matches me, she teaches me, she surprises me. Converting to Judaism too feels so wonderful, evokes such depth of love and awe that I'm constantly having to wipe away tears of sheer gratitude and joy. Am I truly so very fortunate to have these encounters with living History, in Temple, at the Museum, these encounters with Love, with God?

One of the stories that Mary Bauer told especially touched me, and now as I write, I feel an opening as to why it touched me so deeply.

In the mid-60's, after not seeing her mother for fifteen or so years, her mother was able to visit Mary in Los Angeles. Mary had married, moved to the U.S. in 1951 (she would have been about 22), restarted her life and had two sons. The boys were in their early teens when they saw their grandmother for the first time. Mary and her mom went to see some public performance and it so happened that Los Angeles Nazi's, in full uniform, interrupted the performance. Seeing the Nazi's so upset Mary's mother that she wanted to leave the United States immediately and return to Hungary. "I will not stay here. Under Communism I never once saw a swastika, and here with your freedoms I see one!" She and Mary fought, yelling, screaming (and as she told the story, she looked at me and said, "As Hungarians do..." and I laughed with knowing) and her mother returned home. They never saw each other again.
Mary concluded the story by telling the audience that to this day her oldest son will not speak to her; he blames his mother for him not having a grandmother.

And here is the gift:
I realized, no I FELT, viscerally, in every fiber of my being, FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, the immense depth of my loss of never seeing, never knowing, never never never being held, never loved by ANY of my grandparents.

Did I Kill The Bee?

2010-10-19T16:53:00.000-07:00

A small bee got trapped in my home this afternoon. It buzzed around my desk as I sat writing at the computer. I knew I couldn't leave it in my house, else it would be trapped by the closed windows from our latest spate of rain and cool weather.

I opened my front door and the sliding door to the balcony, and followed the bee to the window it had chosen as its escape route. But this window was screened and I literally couldn't take the screen off to allow her flight to freedom; so for several minutes, with a thin yet sturdy piece of paper, I attempted to corral her away from this window, towards the open balcony. To no avail. She was much too fast. Each time I was able to have her begin to crawl onto the paper, and slowly glide the paper towards the balcony, she sensed the change of direction and quickly zoomed back to the screened window, buzzing furiously. I'm quite sure she was nervous and angry, but I wasn't of being stung.

Next I tried to trap the bee into a cup, with the paper holding her inside. The first attempt failed, as I didn't have the paper fully covering the cup's opening. She was again back at the window. The second attempt was Successful!!!

I now walked confidently onto the balcony, lifted the paper and expected her to fly quickly away. But she crawled to the edge of the cup and just sat there.

I was fully vested in this little bee's life, only wanting longevity for her and her clan. I am terribly aware of the devastation of bee colony collapse plaguing our world and I certainly do not want the onus of a bee's death on my conscious. And I happen to like bees; I've had a lifelong fondness for these rugged, essential workers since my youth.

As I waited for her to fly off, I had the sinking feeling that I'd somehow injured her. I was close enough to see the intricacies of her body, her precious little legs grasping the edge of the cup, the distinct dark brown stripes on her body, even her thin pointed face. I prayed that she was not harmed by my maneuvers. Was she just resting after the effort and frustration of attempted escape? Can I even begin to fathom the mind of a bee? Certainly not. So I blew gently to encourage her to fly, and fly away she did!

These few minutes of my life given to help save the life of another were precious to me. Even if the soul saved was that of an Apoidea.

Can These Prayers Be Real?

2010-10-18T19:40:00.000-07:00

Am I to believe that an entire liturgy exists which reflects my feelings for God/Goddess/Divine; which not only reflects my feelings, thoughts, heart's longings, soul's deepest desire; but expresses these thoughts, longings, desires in a form which sings to my ears, fills my heart with joy, creates a flood of emotion in my being drenching me with extreme joy and bliss; tears spilling down my face. Am I to believe that such a body of words exist?

I've read Rumi and Kabir and felt the same joy, transported to a place deep in my heart, longing for God. But I've not had the experience of reading Rumi with a group of people, with music, with tradition, with ritual. I've sung soul stirring Bhajans in Satsang and was also transported to a place of bliss and joy, tears too drenching my face. I've experienced strong group Devotion. I absolutely love how it feels.

And this is exactly why I am converting to Judaism. Here in one service, one place, every place where I am, where I turn my eyes, gaze at creation, ponder the truth of the workings of my mind, every place I consider, all conditions of humanity, every consideration of thoughtful substance, love, awe, praise, devotion, all this and more I find in the Prayers of Judaism.

When I first went to Erev Rosh Hashanah services I wasn't sure what I would find. Immediately I felt at home, amongst people who I knew, who I recognized as my own, my kin, family. I felt I belonged. I loved every minute of it. I cried for the two hours hearing music and prayers which felt so much a part of me that I was frankly shaken with wonder.

And I continue to be shaken with wonder each and every time I experience Services. Each time I hear the singing and prayers, each time I read the words to these prayers which have been repeated for millennia, I am transported to the deepest part of my being. I am shaken with wonder and awe. I am reading what my soul already feels about God/Goddess/Divine. Here in Prayer, God is Adonai, Eloheinu, Melech Haolam, Ruler of the Universe, Ahavat Olam, Everlasting Love, Adonai Echad, Adonai is One.

Here are the first two prayers of the Reform Siddur, the Reform Prayer Book, the Mishkan T'Filah:

We are called unto life, destiny uncertain.
Yet we offer thanks for what we know,
for health and healing, for labor and repose,
for renewal of beauty in earth and sky,
for that blend of human-holy which inspires compassion,
and for hope: eternal, promising light.

For life, for health, for hope,
for beautiful, bountiful blessing,
all praise to the Source of Being.

Baruch atah Adonai.
M'kot nefesh kol chai.

And

Tell them I'm struggling to sing with angels
who hint at it in black wrds printed on old paper gold-edged by time.
Tell them I wrestle the mirror every morning.
Tell them I sit here invisible in space;
nose running, coffee cold & bitter.
Tell them I tell them everything
& everything is never enough.

Tell them I'm davening & voices rise up from within to startle children.
Tell them I walk off into the woods to sing.
Tell them I sing loudest next to waterfalls.
Tell them the books get fewer, words go deeper
some take months to get thru.
Tell them there are moments when it's all perfect;
above & below, it's perfect,
even in moments in between where sparks in space
(terrible, beautiful sparks in space)
are merely metaphors for the void between
one pore & another.

It is the majesty of the words, the beauty of the string of thoughts, the captivating ideas, the expressions of love, faith, joy, sorrow, pain, compassion, understanding of the all too Human Condition we All suffer, the placement of these prayers in History, in the context of a People who have suffered dearly, deeply, yet who continue to see Beauty in each and every moment. It is ALL of this and more that I am In Love with Judaism.

Jewish New Year - L'Shana Tovah!

2010-09-10T21:26:00.000-07:00

I went to Temple services for Eve (Erev) of Rosh Hashanah. The first time since I was a kid, when I went with my father to the big Temple on Fifth Avenue, NYC. Then, I remember sitting next to him in wonder and awe, watching, listening as the men in their blue and white prayer shawls, Tallits, black suits, beards, peyes, swayed their bodies back and forth reciting prayers in Hebrew. Even as a child, the solemnity of the prayers pervaded my soul. And too I felt special, cause for some reason, my father took me, the youngest, not my two older sisters.

I've been to other Jewish services, mostly Passovers or Sukkot, in Mendocino County where the "Temple" was some one's home, or the rough beginnings of a Jewish community center lovingly carved out of a smallish, oldish 1950's Redwood Valley home. Totally informal, jeans, no ties, northern California hippie casual where the beards on the men were not accompanied by peyes and the women floated with home prepared cakes and breads in long skirts and slacks.

Wednesday night was the first time since I was a kid to experience a Real Temple, with several hundred members, all dressed up, suits, nice dresses, makeup, lipstick, all reciting prayers, singing, swaying in tune with the men AND women on the alter, near the Ark.

And it felt like I was back home. Like coming home.

Tears began early on and continued streaming down my face for most of the two hours.

What I loved the most was the exquisite beauty of the prayers. The exquisite sentiment expressed in each prayer, loving, praising, recognizing, honoring The Unknowable, The Eternal One, Adonai, Shekinah.

It's just lovely to hear and to read:

"Love God with all the power of your heart,
with its yearnings, its passions,
with all you hold dear in life
and with the fullness of what the world gives you.

Wrap these words around your deeds as a holy garment
and let them shape our home into a dwelling place of peace.
Whereever you go scatter the words like seeds;
let them be drops of water on the thirsty earth.

Seal these words upon your heart
that their sacredness may permeate your being,
coursing through your veins,
melting body into soul."
Written by: Rabbi Rami Shapiro, adapted by Ellen Steinbaum

I decided to attend this year's services after much deliberation. I wanted to experience what a sacred gathering of Jews would be like. Experience it again in my life, because I have certainly felt the Wonder and Awe of Jews praying together before. In truth, I am addicted to the Wonder and Awe of groups praying, meditating, walking a labryinth, singing, together, for the Love of The Eternal, The Divine, The All, The Unknowable.
I have felt this in not all, but certainly many groups throughout the years, Jews, Sikhs, Satsang, Buddhists, and Christians.

I wanted to feel it again. Feel the GROUP CURRENT, JUICE. There is a profoundness, an overwhelming joy and wonder, soul shaking awe and communion of my soul with this Force of Love, and it becomes powerfully magnified when I can share this with others.

Three Months To The Day

2010-08-23T20:42:00.000-07:00

Three months to the day since I last spoke my heart to the Universe, digitally, in this Blog form. I am slowly re-entering the reality of my southern California life after being gone, traveling for the past three months to amazing, beautiful places; being amongst a reality other than what my life had been for several years since significant death. The death of Margaret, my wife, partner, love of my life, soul mate; and the death of my dear sister Lexi, who was my heart.

I am coming back, coming home, slowly still, from repeatedly experiencing the BEST of what human beings are, can be, value and practice in their too short lives.

I am coming home from the daily beauty of newness, wonder, awe, curiosity and delight of places and people.

June in Europe; July and August traveling the most beautiful highways to Michigan and back. I have turned 62 this summer and earned my Senior Pass to all of our National Parks and Federal Recreation Lands! What joy! I am exhilarated to be alive and in good health.

I have driven my trusty Roadtrek, Sophia, "Sophie" [the Goddess of Wisdom] over 7,000 miles this summer. Each day I traveled with bliss and joy in my heart. My last night on the road, after an over 100 degrees day, in Las Vegas, without electricity, a refrigerator running at 60 degrees, a hot and weary body, and I KNEW I was totally ready to come home.

I am home, and just wish to say HELLO right now.

I have seen and experienced SO VERY MUCH; almost all beautiful people, families, helpful and honest, and mostly fun to talk to, find out about, study, imagine their life, observe. My eyes and brain are filled with sights, experiences, assurances of people who do not harm me, or others. These are who I routinely meet. This is what I routinely observe. I am always Thankful of meeting good souls. I talk to people when I stop in places; I ask questions in an interested way, I want to hear what they have to say. So I talk to people and almost always go away feeling whole and complete and better for the meeting. Take Scotty in Cedar City Utah who has rehabilitated himself from a life of pain and doom to one of hope, love, honest and hard work. My heart flooded after leaving this young man. He was all of 23 already with a lifetime of pain.

I have seen beautiful, historic, sacred places, sights, objects, in St. Petersburg, Moscow, Warsaw, Cracow, Auschwitz (here too I found beauty, but only by looking up, to the sky and purposely, very purposely looking for the wonder that I can always behold in the sky, even here, as anywhere else....so I looked up and compelled myself to find beauty), Prague, Berlin, Schlangenbad, Paris, Chartes. One entire month, June, in Europe. One month of city to city adventure, discovery, seeing architectural, human beauty, eight to ten hour walking, exploring days.

Then home and on the road in Sophie with my twelve year old Border Terrier, Reilley. The best Doggie Dog in the entire world. Almost nine weeks and over 7,000 miles in all. To Crescent City, a redwood kingdom of California and then onto the Michigan Women's Music Festival via Grand Tetons, Yellowstone, highway 90 through Wyoming, South Dakota, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan's western shore. Visiting and observing family: uncles, cousins, second cousins. Learning more about who I am, who I am related to. Then back through Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska, Colorado, Utah, Nevada, and finally southern California home. Stopping in National and State Parks.

Most days I drove five/six or more hours. I saw new places, people, plants, sunsets. I cooked for myself, ate good food, stopped as I wished, sang songs, listened to great music, danced, hiked, swam, and generally felt at peace and great joy while being in this Dear World. I gave myself days off just resting, playing my saxophone, reading, walking, relaxing, enjoying.

Driving from Capitol Reef National Park in Southern Utah, highways 12 and 24, and I fall madly in love with this state. The summit peaks at 9500 elevation only to pass miles of lightening and thunder storms which turn into a snow storm; August 15th and it's snowing!
The snow coincides with a fairly level summit, which opens to the delicious sight of Aspens, their green leaves dancing, shimmering on white bark...gracing this road.

I saw a lifetime of Beauty in the space of twelve weeks, June to August. This travel has been near sheer joy, daily loving my life, pinching myself at my good fortune, feeling Gratitude and Love. Loving many, many; and, loving one woman in particular. She provides me the space to think, feel and give voice to my Being. She continually causes me to feel joy, feel good about myself, about her, about our interactions.

My heart has been enormously full. My life is truly blessed and I'm aware of this.

Back home, today as I shopped for my produce and tea, a very slight twinge of the way I used to feel the past few years came over me: a slight twinge of loss, longing, sadness. A coming home, again, to a life of my own creation. A life alone, with ALL choices my own. Again establishing patterns, habits, routines in a home without a motor, without four wheels; 950, not 60 square feet. I come home to the reality of carpet moths, work, commitments, obligations, choices. A reality I alone create.

I am so ready to daily interact, share, love, touch... another.

Protracted Moments of Rapture

2010-05-23T10:57:00.000-07:00

In the New York Times this morning, a quote from the British traveler Patrick Leigh Fermor who in 1933 walked the length of the Danube from its German head to the Black Sea:
"I lay deep in one of those protracted moments of rapture which scatter this journey like asterisks."

For me,this journey is LIFE, and I lay in a protracted moment of rapture.....

Poppy Petals

2010-05-03T17:43:00.000-07:00

Today my heart sang when she saw
the envelope
containing
absinthe green
handmade paper
carefully folded
sheltering
three delicate
perfectly dried
still vibrant
deep orange
perfectly shaped
one with seed still
fragilely attached
California poppy petals

eldermuse.net April 27, 2010

Plenty of Mudita

2010-04-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I love that she too has a sense of history, significance of the past, in all of the pasts' aspects that we, 20th/21st century folk, can conceptualize. I love that her sense of history is immediate, real, enacted daily in small, routine tasks. There is a wonder-fullness of watching someone feel so very comfortable doing similar things as you do, in so very familiar ways. The unconscious mundane movements which connect us to our past. These self-care things repeated thousands of time in our long lives. These things which a woman loves to see another woman do. And I include cooking as part of this rhythmic repletion of things women do over and over daily to maintain normalcy, a semblance of peace and routine in their lives. She not only possesses a significant sense of the past, she embodies the past.

And I have a deep love of the past, of attempting to understand how people before me lived, thought, created, died. I love imagining how women managed their lives, the things they took for granted juxtaposed with what I take for granted. She helps me see and remember these things, with her. I see my past in her knowing of her past.

We figured out how the Australian Aborigine women discovered the fact that emu fat helps decrease inflammation. The old women were sitting around the fire, sharing a delicious, very fatty piece of emu tail which dripped down their fat coated talking mouths and onto their hands. As they readied themselves for sleep, they smeared the fat from their lips onto their entire face working it in, and likewise rubbed the grease from their hands into hands, arms, body, even each other if there was extra. Noticing how good they felt with emu fat rubbed on into themselves, they rubbed it on their infants, children and all loved ones. They grew in their knowing that emu fat rubbed in feels so very much better than no emu fat in on or around one's body. They moved easier, had less pain. They knew this surely and made a point of telling their daughters, their children, their loved ones what they knew and so it was easily passed on.

We tasted and smelled and looked closely at wild ones growing tall and beautiful, yellows, purples, pinks millions of miracles sprouted from the dirt and sand from the bone dry ground displaying the munificence of the Divine.

We tasted and appreciated food cooked and prepared and served one to the other, back and forth, easily, with kindness and generosity of deed and thought. And the food was delicious and plentiful.

The conversation too was deep and thoughtful perfectly balanced with delicious and plentiful silence.
And she could dance, oh she could dance and have fun, fun, fun sustained and plentiful.

I am appreciative and grateful and giving this accounting of my heart in total fullness and Mudita. In appreciation of the gifts of another and joy in their richness and plenty. Joy in their attributes and successful life. Joy in the appreciation of the joy in my heart.
...eldermuse.net...
April 18, 2010

Gratitude as Integral To My Life

2010-04-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

I catch myself saying, Oh Thank You God/Goddess/Divine/Master Ji/Kwan Yin/Shiva/Brahma/Ganesh/Amma, often in the day.
Just now as I walked down my stairs, I caught a thought of something I could do to make my life easier, work smoothly, gently. Just as it entered my consciousness, almost immediately after, I offered up Thanks for allowing me to have the thought and felt Gratitude enter my consciousness.

I am Grateful for the utter gift, the ability to have to feel Gratitude in my heart.
It has come to pervade how I see my life.
My only part in its creation was asking for it, and it was given. I asked for Joy to enter back into my life, I asked for the ability to love my life again.
Conscious Gratitude expands this Joy.

Giving, feeling, having Gratitude for small, tiny, everyday things which happen, which go smoothly, which make my life easier, conversations, interactions with people which work, which feel good, which leave me Whole.
This awareness of Gratitude has been going on for at least the past year.

Prior, I was too depressed to see the value of my life without Margaret my wife/partner/soul mate who died too suddenly January 3, 2006.
Prior, a year or so ago, I often wished to end my life.
Thankfully it remained only a wish-thought and nothing more, never graduating to actual behavior.

For at least the past year, daily, often several times each day, I give Thanks for something which has just happened which allows me to make my life easier, work smoothly, feel my Humanity and Oneness with other people, with the Divine.
Often the thing I give gratitude for not only affords me the seconds it takes to feel, and give Thanks, the thing I am grateful for often elicits such sheer and total Joy in me, that I let out a squeal, often several squeals of pure glee!
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

I have fun back in my life, and with fun, I have music, and doing, creating, interacting, teaching, watching how my life is unfolding, conscious of the unfolding. Conscious and relishing this last twenty or so years of my most rich, full and wonderful life.

No Apology Needed

2010-04-05T22:09:00.000-07:00

There are certain things which I make no apology for or about. My fierce love of The Divine, God, the pantheon of Goddesses, Gods, Gurus, Representatives of God, The God in All Souls. The food I eat, and cook, my walks, the things I do to keep me healthy, sane, whole. The time I take to write and learn and explore. My love of my family and friends, alive and deceased. My love to teach. My commitment to integrity, authenticity, words and language, fun, and music. My love of communication in all forms which humans know how to do. My love of life.

As I sit back and read what I've written, I hear, distinctly, my deceased sister Lexi's voice telling me what she makes no apologies about. And our list duplicates at many points. I hear her telling me, before she died, knowing she was dying, in her clear almost commanding voice: "Know how much I love you."

I would watch her, listen to her, hear her always with tremendous love and appreciation. She loved me so in return. She heard me, always listened, always listened which allowed me the space, the freedom I needed to say what I wanted to say, for her to hear what was in my deepest heart.

She could hear my deepest heart.

What a boon in a soul's life to experience a sister who could love on the deepest level, to allow the richness of her love to fill my being. How special to have a guide to teach me that it is perfectly fine to make no apologies. To have the power of passion and conviction.

A Part of You

2010-04-02T08:27:00.000-07:00

When I feel great anxiety,
I can't accomplish anything I've set out to do,
I'm overwhelmed with my choices, my options, my tasks;
at this time, always,

when I Remember,

breathe deeply,

center myself in Knowing;

at this time

When I Realize I Am a Part of You,
then profound peace pervades,
and acceptance drapes my soul.

On this First Night of Passover, 2010

2010-03-29T20:48:00.001-07:00

How could I not dream of being in my paternal grandmother's kitchen today. The roasting, cooking, and making would be intense. My grandmother Janka, as grand maestro conducting her daughter Rozsa, and assorted sisters and their daughters. Easily six, maybe more in her kitchen, working to create a masterpiece meal. The chopping, slicing, paring, sorting and washing, taking out and putting away, placement, preparation, the small, significant decisions of each step, repeated over a lifetime which happen automatically, precisely, exactly, with such total assurance, conviction, that the act of the decision and the carrying it to completion is so ingrained, repeated thousands of times in a lifetime, that knowing how much salt to add, where to make the cut, the slice, knife skill, the apples, honey, raisins, the exact blend for Charoset, the color of the onions, the smell which tells how it tastes, matzo balls able to float in soup, the stirring to the right consistency, the mixing, knowing when it's done, exactly ready, timing, timing, hot staying hot, timing, all becomes part of who we are, what we do, how we make things happen, how we create. The thousands of unconscious decisions made necessary for creating the masterpiece meal. My grandmother Janka orchestrating.

This meal which is served at the long table, which is dressed in crisp, clean linen, with the finest china, crystal and silver as beautiful buttons and sparkling ornaments to her pressed linen dress. Wine, matzo, food telling our story sprung from slavery leaving captivity knowing again freedom, tasting sweet, bitter, salt. The familiarity and easiness of family, of Csalad, Mishpacha, relatives. Dressed finely as the table. Happy to be together. Grateful for this yearly time to hear our story, share our story, tell our story. We taste together, eat and drink together, enjoy together, laugh together, speak and share together. Eating the masterpiece orchestrated by my grandmother.

This meal made year after year, passed down mother to daughter, father to son, generation one Jew to the next, each partaking of Tradition, Haggadah, Knowledge of Liberation, Divine Intervention, Compassion, Awareness of Misfortune, Gratitude for Freedom. Gratitude for Life. Sharing Awareness, Happiness, Hope.

My grandmother at this table, before Hitler, before losing husband, son, sisters, brother, nieces, nephews, before the Ghetto, before needless death, before mass insanity, mass insanity, war, before leaving all she knew, before her long, deep depression. My grandmother vital, alive, passionate, sure, knowing, supremely capable.

My grandmother who I never knew.

Alice in Wonderland - The Movie

2010-03-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

Alice becomes the Heroine of her Life. As we are all charged with becoming. She uses her vivid and enlightened dream world to allow her to shape who she is becoming. And she trusts what her dream world shapes as her essence. She trusts the blossoming of her Self Knowledge, the Shape of her Self, defined, clear, direct, powerful, aware of her Strength.
Alice's tale is the classic tale of The Hero, but told from a purely Female perspective. The animals manifest the Divine Feminine, all of the protagonists are female, the story is told with only one man whose Soul is revealed, and he is a Mad Hatter. The other men are either powerless, or allies of Alice. Alice slays the vicious Jabberwock, the Red Queen's Negative Fury. The White Queen is able to not violate her vow of non-violence. She banishes, does not kill, her sister Red Queen's negativity. Alice is delivered back to Her Life to extend the Power, the Clarity, the Direction given and taken by Her Dream State, by The Divine.

We are all charged with the same task. To trust in our voice, our knowing, our strength, our power, our purpose. To trust our manifestation of Divinity which is our Selves.

Being Held

2010-03-18T21:36:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you were held,
not sexually,
just held, lovingly.

Simple human touch, but more
than a hand on yours,
or on your shoulder; rather
the fullness of an other's body holding
yours.

The pureness of contact, just holding
and feeling being held. Releasing into
the pureness of being held, becoming
vulnerable. Becoming open.
Letting yourself be held.

When last did the shower of oxytocin and endorphins
cascade down your being releasing in you
the huge, pure sigh of release, letting go.
Pure relaxation.

I would love to give this to you.

I Will Leave You Signs

2010-03-08T21:53:00.000-08:00

You told me, indirectly of course, you told me
when we first met.
You told me you wanted Signs.
Leave Me Signs. You shouted, ever so softly,
I could not hear until now.

Could I comprehend, could I truly understand
the sheer complexity, depth, power,
uniqueness of you.

Would I ever comprehend, would I ever truly understand
the uniqueness of you.

One foot rooted firmly in the distant past of parents'
pain, agony, horrific, inhuman events.
Never forget, become very religious, almost a Rabbi,
carry the sacred traditions, teaching, learning,
lighting candles, blessings, prayers,
always Faith, always Love of God.

One foot in the present, always the rebel,
always surprising, even yourself, with new places,
travel, movies, books, events, new friends,
open to growth, open to Joy.

Always wishing to capture the exact word, phrase,
expression of your always active, always critical mind,
on paper.
Fascination with words, plants, people, earth,
soil for your ever fertile mind, planting, growing,
knowing the patience of cycles.
Your cycles of darkness and despair, the times
your soul buried deep in words, deep in pain,
buried in the dark season of little winter light,
nourished with weekly Sabbath and Torah, tradition,
candles, bread, prayer, Faith.
Knowing the growing light brings new birth.

I will leave you signs of my fascination with you,
of my loving to be around you,
of my loving to talk with you,
of my loving how you listen and comprehend,
seem to want to understand me.

I will leave you signs of my desire to bask in the complexity,
depth, power and uniqueness of you.
One foot rooted firmly in the distant past,
the ghosts of pain, suffering of souls, unimaginable horror;
the other carrying you to a future of quiet rebellion, surprise,
Joy in each and every cell of your being.

I leave you this sign of my desire to want to understand you.

Maya Angelou and Black Women of her Age

2010-03-06T23:28:00.000-08:00

I was explaining to my grand nephew, Alex, who I love so very dearly, that he has exceptionally long fingers because his great grandfather had very long fingers, as are mine. And I told him that his great grandfather was my father; his mother's grandfather.
As I spoke these words, I realized for the first time, the real meaning of the very short distance in time between a great grandson and his great grandfather. It hit me, this incredibly short span of years, and here I was bridging the gap. It hit me square in the heart. This 12 year old was talking to me, his grand aunt who is his grandmother's age, and our father is this beautiful boy's great grandfather.

Then I remembered hearing on NPR, a true story about an embroidered pillow case being donated to the soon to be National Museum of African American History and Culture. This story struck my heart, I cried hearing it; its poignancy has stayed with me. For days now I've been thinking about Black women of Maya Angelou's age. Their great grandmothers would have been slaves.

A young slave hastily embroidered a pillowcase, to give to her young daughter, telling her that she will always be near her, she is precious to her, she will always love her. She will always love her. She knew she was being sold the next morning, and would never see her beloved daughter again. The pillow case was the only way she could be sure her daughter would know she was loved, she had a mother who loved her, who would always love her.

This story has stayed in my heart for days now, and makes me shudder at the sheer dread, fear, pain, heart and soul pain, earthshaking pain, howling pain, unbearable pain that the great grandmothers of women of Maya Angelou's age went through. Maya and Black Women, African American Women of her age are so very close to a sort of pain, a societal brutality and callousness that we may never appreciate. A ruthless disruption of bonding, the dear human need for continuity, love, bonding. Such ruthless disruption made normal. We may never know the depth of the scaring of lives and souls, as close as a great grandmother.

Lovers of Love

2010-03-03T00:28:00.000-08:00

The Lovers of God are just helpless Lovers of Love. Big weepy saps, open to their hearts and souls, open to their hearts and souls being open. Being open, honest, having integrity, revealing one's heart. Rumi and Kabir revel in Divine Love, romp in the bed of the Divine, make love to the Divine. (As Keith Jarrett makes love to his piano....) The Lovers of God have intimate talks with Goddess and thank Her often minute by minute for Her blessings, for Life, for Her Love.

Snippets of Illumination

2010-02-28T14:59:00.000-08:00

I am cleaning my desk, a forever task, but always done just when it most needs cleaning up.

Today I ran across some quotes of mine; never before made public, previously kept only on the scrap of paper used to capture a moment of illumination, imagined illumination.
Here are the snippets:

You are a part of God
and without you,
the Universe would not be whole.
April 18, 2001

Communication is one of the most difficult things humans do, and it's often done exceedingly poorly.
(date unknown)

There is no perfection in human contact. It is always a series of explorations;
if this isn't your idea of fun, then you'll be stuck wanting perfection.
(date unknown)

We are all learning to be more loving, compassionate and graceful humans. In this life or some next.
(date unknown)

As in human geography and trade, so too in human nutrition/food intake:
Convenience and cost trump almost all other considerations, with the exception of taste. Taste, dictated or hopefully, not, trumps most all most of the time.
June 15, 2009

Look for our common Human connections. Look for the nod of recognition.
(early February 2010)

We've got to make taking care of ourselves, our beings, our bodies, easier. Convenient, cheap, everywhere we can have, can have the food which takes care of our beings, our bodies, our Selves. As we have it now with food which creates our pain, our disability, our diseases. It has GOT to be easier. It can happen in your lifetime. It must happen in your lifetime.
(fall of 2009)

I do believe that people can be attracted to the negative; who in fact relish, even find highly sexual, evil doers.
(date unknown)

Your pain means that you are not getting something. Either literally such as adequate sleep, or at least adequate nutrition; or emotionally/abstractly you're not getting something you need.
Thus its so very very easy to feel ourselves lacking/not enough/not good enough, always. Ahhh, but of course. We lack in our basic body needs....then why oh why wouldn't we also lack in the things which help our mind stay whole, filled, not always half. We lack in seeing our whole beauty.
(date unknown)

My prayer to Amma Ji right before being hugged by this Divine Woman: Let me come to you with Laughter.
(June, 2009)

Deep Friendship

2010-02-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

I think often about the many many dear friends of mine who I love. I realize that the friends who I love the most, who I will ALWAYS love, are the ones who teach me, who allow me to see them, who allow me to be vulnerable with them, who are vulnerable with me. What sacredness, what wonder This Dear Life has to offer.

Inflammation

2010-02-21T15:23:00.000-08:00

It is all about inflammation. We hurt, our body hurts. Times are stressful, work is hard and getting harder with increased productivity, co-workers getting fired, increased pressure, no job or looking for job/work, not resting enough, rush, rush, rush. Bills and worry about money; when will I, when can I retire, how will I make it. How will I be able to continue to just function, I hurt so. And all of this body hurt can too quickly become mind and heart and soul hurting. Daily pain is so very destructive and can make a body give up. Can cause depression, emotional giving up.

The inflammation causes immune cellular release (our immune system is called in to help quell the inflammation) and this actually makes the burning and pain worse. And makes us feel terrible. More than half of why we feel so terrible with a cold/flu/virus is because the immune system throws out funky molecules which cause us to feel bad. The same process happens with chronic inflammation. With chronic inflammation, our immune system is always actively engaged, thus always releasing, spitting out pain, and fatigue causing molecules.

The immune process is costly. It keeps us alive, but often at a very dear price: dreadful pain. And when the immune process is continually turned on, with chronic inflammation, it is dreadful, daily pain. Oh, it's so very much a vicious cycle.

Inflammation causes our immune system to be hyper-vigilant, to fight, and release those substances which make us hurt more, burn more; make us feel weak, and sick, and not want to get up out of our chairs. So we sit. We become less active. We buy the Snuggly to allow us to sit more in warmth, and stay. Often for hours. Often watching TV, and eating.

And guess what we're eating? Yes, but of course. We're eating the very thing which causes the inflammation in the first place. Oh my Goddess Divine! No! I'm eating the thing which is causing the inflammation which is causing my fatigue, my burning, my pain, my need for pills, and my not wanting to do much of anything, 'cept sit, and watch, and eat. Sex is not even considered, and the fatigue makes true effort at communication with my partner, spouse, love of my life, a chore. It means being present, and oh I so do not wish to be present. Cause present hurts. Real physical pain. Not to mention the pain of worry about money, bills, job, no job, rejection, rejection, lots of worry. And the pills don't help, at least not for long enough. There's always that place of wearing off before the next one/two/three kick in. So the watching, and eating is a wonderful way to not be present. To not be conscious; of my body, of my worries. If I am a Margaret, I use my out of body time to watch, eat, and to create. She would always create, always create art, in its deepest sense. Layered with meaning, as my new friend loves to say (thus notice when it is so layered). So you may be a Margaret type, and create your passions as you sit, and watch, and eat, and create. And tune out your pain of inflammation.

Know that this inflammation, this pain caused by inflammation leads to the sitting, not moving, not moving much at all, the pills, and watching, and eating and lo! outgrowing our clothes, our chairs, our lives. We outgrow our lives; our lives get shortened. The more we do not like to rise from sitting, the more we have arthritis, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease, gastro-intestinal disorders, all pain, pain; and the most dreaded, cancer. Oh, and more Alzheimer's too. If we don't die from a "lifestyle disease" exacerbated by, caused by inflammation, we may not have our mind. We have learned in the last twenty or so years that inflammation is the true, the primary culprit in all of the diseases which make us hurt, make our families hurt, give us pain, give us pills, more pills, then even more pills, and not want to move, thus sit, and watch, and eat. And need more pills.

Now wouldn't one think that we'd try to eliminate this inflammation, and its etiology (its cause) in the same way we eliminated polio and smallpox. We saw illness, pain, suffering, and we found out how to release it from our world. (Goddess please, allow us to have the collective will to eliminate the other scourges which plague the developing world.)

One would think. Wouldn't one. A rational, reasonable one would think so. Would think that we'd figure out how to eliminate it/release it from our world. For the common good, for compassion for those who suffer tremendously from its ill effects. For better quality of life, for less costly medical care, for saving money, for saving lives, for saving lives.

Sigh. Big sigh. We do know what causes this plague of inflammation (thus what causes the plague of diabetes, obesity, high blood pressure, heart disease, gastro-intestinal ills, Alzheimer's, and the most dreaded, cancer). But we have not as yet the collective will to truly create change. And it will take the same collective will, public effort, tremendous effort to effect a decrease in inflammation as it took to create a decrease in tobacco smoke in the public environment. It took, what, easily fifty years to create a world where smoking a cigarette in a public, enclosed environment is seen for what it is: deadly.

Inflammation's cause is in the food we have created in the past sixty years, the non-food substances (Thank You Michael Pollan) which are our food. Have become more and more our food in the past sixty years; because this non-food, or highly refined food, or too salty food, or too sweet/sugary food, and certainly much much too fatty food has become our staple. This food because of it's too much refinement, salt, sugary, fatty manner is what is the cause of our inflammation. Yes. No kidding. The research is in. Has been for at least the past twenty years.

What causes inflammation is common knowledge (common for the people in the medical industry, and the pharmaceutical industry). In fact the pharmaceutical industry has worked lo these many years to bring us pills which can quell our fire; help turn down the heat, the pain of our inflammation. Advil, Aleve, Motrin, ibuprofen, cox-2 inhibitors (Celebrex), Aspirin, Tylenol, oh so many pill ways to get rid of our pain, caused by our inflammation, caused by what we eat. The food which we've made cheaply; made filling; easy to get; easy to find; this everywhere food. It lures; it calls. It tells us we can feed and have FUN, and a SNACK, and more FUN, and HAPPY, and TAKE A BREAK from our oh so very stressful lives. We can feed and have a secret pleasure. Feed our secret pleasure. And cheaply. What FUN.

These folks know that the large amount of omega 6 fats used to make this cheap, fun, filling, highly refined, oh so very easy to find food, combined with the excess salt, sugar, the saturated fats, the trans fats, all this, in the food we eat, regularly, routinely, most every day or more; this cheap, ubiquitous food, so convenient, so engineered for company profit, company profit, is exactly what causes our inflammation.

Yep, it's this very food, this everywhere food, this ever-lasting/long lived, highly engineered food which causes our inflammation, our pain, our disease, our pill taking, wall street's portfolios to grow, entire industries to flourish, employ people, pay professionals lots of money to prescribe more pills, cause no one pays them to tell the truth. No one pays the doctor to tell people to not eat the regularly consumed cheap, highly refined, too fatty, salty, sugary food which causes our ills. They get paid to tell us to take our pills. Take our pills. And the doctor is not even trained to talk about food. Where would she begin? Eat more fruit and vegetables. Yes, we all know eat more fruit and vegetables. Ha! Exactly how's that done? When the fruit and vegetables are not cheap, and Oh My Goddess, this way to eat is so expensive, and not convenient. Not at all convenient. And people don't want the truth about their food.

I want to eat what I want. No one's gonna tell me what I can eat. It's my choice. It's my right. And I sure as heck like that it's cheap, and easy to find, convenient. I like that. And it tastes good. They've got the right combination of refinement/fat/salt/sugar, artificial flavors to keep me coming back. Engineered to keep me wanting more. Wanting more.

But I don't want this pain of inflammation. I'm tired and hurting and growing old before my time, and fat. I can't move like I used to.

But I certainly don't want the pain of that healthy food that must be cooked, isn't easy, is hard to find, and I've got to learn to cook it, then clean up, and Oh My Goddess, shop for it. And watch it rot in the fridge cause as well meaning as I was, I never ate it.

What's a girl to do?

A Call for Reason Regarding Our Food

2010-02-18T21:32:00.000-08:00

Thoughts after teaching tonight.
Everyone, all seven souls, embodied in flesh blood bone which they all wish to change. They seek guidance, support, help to comprehend and have success with this change. They all know, inherently, in their gut, in their heart, of course their minds, what is reasonable. They understand at a very deep level that what they eat is as important to their flesh blood bone as is the air they breathe, the water they drink, the needed rest they must take. They understand their need to eat 'better'. Better than, than what they presently eat. They know, they've 'got it', 'got' the need to change, all the right reasons, they understand; and truly want to change. But it's so hard, so very very hard to eat 'better.' God, it is so very easy to continue as is. The food is fast, convenient, all over/ubiquitous. And it's so cheap. Hell, you can almost gorge on just $5.00. And the other stuff is so expensive. And who knows how to cook it anyway. And the bother of not just the cooking, but the cleanup. It's really the cleanup that is hated the most; so the whole thing is skipped and so much easier to eat out. Fast food for lunch, Applebees or somesuch for supper. It's quick, done with, no mess, and affordable. And there's no food shopping. The awful food shopping. The hated food shopping. And so hard for just one.

They want the change for their flesh bone blood, which often hurts, or doesn't feel good, and even the over the counter nostrums don't really help anymore. They want to feel better. They KNOW that part of the secret to not just getting, but holding on to a body which feels good is about food, their food, what they eat, routinely, on a regular basis (even when they say "oh, I never eat the same way two days in a row; and I skip meals; it's never regular or routine....."). It's so much all the same, a basic intake of the fast, convenient, ubiquitous, and so very cheap food that surrounds us all. It is so much a part of our lives, it is EVERYWHERE, these food like substances (thank you Michaell Pollan) that have lives of years. Almost everyone eats from this well of disease. It is so very very available to all. It is our mainstay.

And we all, even the fifth grade class I asked, know what food to eat for health. Food to eat to feel better. Food to eat to not get disease. Those killer things which have taken so many of our families, that live in our lives and haunt us with the dozens of pills we or a loved one must take. Those dozens of pills that routinely pollute our water ways, not to speak of our bodies. One is used to counteract the effect of another. And they multiply over the years. The sorting, boxing, taking, remembering gets longer. And longer.

We know that what we eat can change the pill taking, the condition, the fat, the shape, the way our flesh blood bone feels. We know this just as we know that the air we breathe, the water we drink, the rest we take will keep us healthy, or not. We know this at a very very deep level.

And we ignore this knowing. We somehow collectively let go of our knowing the truth of our flesh blood bone. This body which serves our mind, our family, our work in the world, our Divine. This body which we can not live without, which allows our creativity and best humanity to flourish, to overcome the worst. This body is wasted from the fast, convenient, ubiquitous, and oh so very cheap food we have made too available.

Thus this Call for Reason Regarding Our Food. We have made so much of our life better. We have cars which make our transport of ourselves and our goods so incredibly easy. We have drive-up windows which mean we don't have to leave these machines which make life easy. We have so much ease that we can sit for hours at computer, or tv, even book; hours, with enough light. Enough light. Amazing to have enough light. Such a premium for those before us. Such a nothing, not thought of, not considered part of our lives now. Such change in so little time. Our lives have become so much easier than even the lives of our parents. But it is not easy, it is so very very hard; so very very difficult and expensive and inconvenient; not at all easy, to eat 'better.' The way that even the fifth grade class understands to eat. The way we all understand to eat. We know that there is too much sugar, sodas, candy, cookies, chips, salt, salt, fat, fat. Oh so very much. We know. We've been told. So many times. So many times we have tried, and always always always fail to change. We always go back to eating to hurt our flesh bone blood. And then take more pills.

Isn't it time to Call for Reason Regarding Our Food. We can do so much better. This is doable.
We can create food which creates health. Make this food which creates health easy, convenient, ubiquitous, and cheap. It's got to be cheap, else people won't buy it, no matter how available it will become. Must become. Cheap and so readily available, and fast, and ubiquitous. This food which creates health can become the norm. Our standard. Our best for us. Just as we prize so much else which is best for us. Our best humanity. Our best for all.

We can call for all food which creates health to be subsidized instead of food which creates disease which presently we subsidize. We create disease with our tax dollars. Given freely, abundantly to a farming industry which supports a medical industry which both support a phamaceutical industry. They support each other to hurt our flesh blood bone.

We can change this. We can Call for Reason Regarding Our Food.

We can mandate (as we presently mandate all food fortification, as we presently mandate how our roads and bridges and buildings and public safety function, we mandate for the greater good. Thus seatbelts, thus shoes off at airports, thus the percentage grade of our roads, thus the construction material in our bridges, thus so much of our life which we allow to be micromanaged, we allow to happen to us) change. Mandate change. We do it all the time as regards safety. Why don't we consider our health as safety? Why is everyone allowing this pollution of flesh blood bone, and we long ago passed legislation, for the greater good, mandating standards for our water, the air we breathe. More to do, so much more, of course; but we demand certain quality in our water, the air we breathe. And the food we eat, the food we eat, on a regular, even routine basis, the easy, fast, convenient, long lived food we eat. We demand no quality here. We allow disease formation and disability to come into our lives. This is not abstract. This is so very very real. This hurts us. I have seen the hurt, the scaring, the pain carried in flesh blood bone of people who hurt deeply. Daily. Their daily finger pricks, the pills, the appointments, the procedures hurt, eat into their flesh blood bone. And always more pills.

But no. No. I don't want anyone telling me what I can or can't eat. Hell, I'll eat what I want. When I want. What I want. What I want.

Ha ha! Think again. Think, not even very hard, without even thinking even a little bit, think about who tells you what you want. Who lures you in and traps your taste and tells you what you want. Who makes what you want so very very cheap. So very very easy. Oh what you want. You only think you want. You do want it, no doubt. But truly, not what you want, truly. You know better. The part of you that cares for life, that is happy, and loves others. You truly know. But you cling to What I Want. No one's gonna tell me how to eat. What to eat. Not me. I eat what I want. Ha ha! Think again! More truly what they want you to want. What they want you to want.

The taste of real food is delicious. You know. You would rather, oh yes you would rather the real food. Always. Of course. But.....but.....who, pray tell will make it fast, convenient, ubiquitous, inexpensive if not cheap for our flesh, blood, bone.

Who will do it?

Fat, Fat Stores

2010-02-11T21:36:00.000-08:00

We like to store stuff, keep stuff, even hoard stuff. We're real good at it, and we like to do it. Makes us feel good, feel rich, feel important, feel whatever that thing is for each of us that sparks us, gives us even a twinge of excitement, and hopefully fun. That true human need for relief, respite, even euphoria, from our extremely stressful, difficult lives.

So eating in surfeit we've learned, produces, at least for a brief time, that same spark, that excitement, even euphoria, maybe fun. For many. For far too many.

Eating in surfeit is still a very affordable pleasure. Five dollars worth of fast food will surely fill the emptiest belly. This is cheap. This is obscenely cheap. Hey a ticket to see a good flick to create that excitement, that euphoria is at least ten bucks. And there's the popcorn. Ain't cheap to see a new film. So five for a pig out is a bargain. Obscenely cheap.

Enough of these belly full of cheap pig outs will get you fat. The calories get hoarded. The fat's just hoarded calories. Nothing more, nothing less. It's not bad, it doesn't mean that you're bad, that there's something to feel bad about. It just is. Like alot of things in life. It just is. Neither good nor bad. Truly. Any bad feeling comes from your beliefs/your perceptions about you and your world. About your fat. How you think others think about you. How you think others think about your fat. How you think about yourself, and your fat. Women suffer the most. They have the most bad feeling about themselves, from the bad feelings about the fat, about their looks, about their bodies. More women feel this. Fell bad. Than men.

And I hate when women suffer. It will always mean that children will suffer. The girl children will learn to hate their bodies, feel bad about themselves, think bad about themselves; and pass this on to the girl children they birth.

Women, the surfeit in eating causes suffering. Yours. Not even to speak of the body stuff you've been already told will happen, or has happened. Your mind, your heart, your pain, your suffering, your self reproaches and recriminations. The defeated heart. The pained soul. The self sabotage. These are what truly hurt.

And if you're past the pain, past any hurt, you're still told by a medical one, a medical person, about the fat. About the fat.
And especially the belly fat, abdominal fat, omentum fat. It's there and gets in the way. More than you'd like.

I had to address fat. Here. In full view. I am presently facilitating a group of adults who have not been adult with themselves. They are adults in most all other ways. Cept for food. It's been OK to not take care of business, not be adult, not care about their body. And especially with food. And I know all too well the reasons why. I know the reasons intimately. Money, time, money, time, fatigue, self loathing, abuse, time, fatigue. I know the hearts and minds of the ones who hoard fat. I know your deepest fears and desires. You have been kind to me; you have allowed me to peer inside your being. You have shared your deepest fears and desires, and self loathing with me. You have given me that deep priviledge. I love you. I love you. I love you.

The group is Your Body's Grace. My play on the words of the wise Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams. The Body's Grace is his defense of homosexual love, physical, deep, touching,
significant, meaningful love. As is all love. He is a wizard of the highest order, able to create gold from mere words. So my play on the title of his essay is my way of declaring my view of this body. My body. The thousands of bodys which I was priviledged to work with in my 25 years as a dietitian. Your body. Her body. Her beautiful body. I do care especailly for her body, rather than his. Because she suffers more. In every society, she has it worse. She is less than. Regardless of what you protest. (And of course I understand karma and the fact of her maybe being a man in her past life. All karma. Of course. But it doesn't negate her present suffering.) The suffering is all too real, too tangible. Evidenced by lab tests, procedures, self poking needles into your flesh, withdrawing blood, testing your sugar, testing your pee, your blood. The fat is too real and the pain it inflicts is terrible to bear. And terrible to witness. I was this pains' witness for 25 years. I was allowed to see and hear her suffering heart. Her suffering body. She let me in. She told me. I heard. I honor her and what I have heard.

My view of this body, her body, my body, is that it is our only vehicle for knowing the Divine. The Divine Mystery of this dear life. It is our ticket to consciousness. Our brain is our body is our mind, is our heart, is our soul. They are one. Could truly only be one. As we are all one, as we represent the One who we co-create our life, our world with.

Antonio Damasio, the neurologist and neurobiologist writes in Decartes' Error: "...the body, as represented in the brain, may constitute the indispensable frame of reference for the neural processes that we experience as the mind; that our very organism rather than some absolute external reality, is used as the ground reference for the constructions we make of the world around us and for the construction of the ever-present sense of subjectivity that is part and parcel of our experiences; that our most refined thoughts and best actions, our greatest joys and deepest sorrows, use the body as a yardstick."

Heavy stuff. If you didn't finish that last paragraph, don't worry. My first reading of it took me maybe three, maybe more times to get. And I don't get it on the level that Antonio does. But I get it. Of course. I've spent my whole life looking and learning about the body. And hearing.
Hearing pain. Her pain. Her body's ground reference which doesn't work, doesn't function like it's supposed to. Like it did in the past, when she was younger. This very painful body, this ground reference which interprets her too hard, too painful world.

There isn't one person in the group who is devoid of fat issues. Even the several 'skinny' ones. There are six to twelve any given week. They all need aid to deal with their hoarding, deal with the too many things they've taken on. The too many things they have to do. The people they must please. The lack of time. The lack of care for themselves. Going on, doing, caring for, others, others, others. Never herself. She is always left behind.

Except for the spark times, the excitement times, even times of euphoria. Ahhhhhhhh. Then she can truly relax. She relaxes with food. The food is familiar. Oh so very familiar. Such a dear friend. Ahhhh. The relaxation, the comfort. The comfort. The comfort. So dear, so very sweet and dear.

And then the reality.

And then typically the pain, guilt, feeling bad, suffering, again.

It is for you I write this. It is for you because I love you. I love you. I love you.

You must know that it can change. It does not have to stay locked and tight and safe and permanent. Even rigid. Oh the rigidity. The tightness. The inability to be fluid, to be flexible, to move. You must know that it can change. You must know this. In some place deep inside, you know all of this. Of course. And now to trust. The next step is trust. Yourself. The next step is trust that you can change. It is possible.

So I write these words for you to see. To know. To understand that it is your mind which locks you in. Tight. On a schedule. The evening schedule. The evening routine, nay ritual. The time alone. The time for yourself. All to yourself. Always with food.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

eldermuse.net

And I hate that you hurt.

Human Gifts

2010-02-10T21:42:00.000-08:00

Who are the gifts in your life? I am naming mine as I write this. I have many human gifts, people who I love heart and soul, who I have often 20 or 30 year relationships with. A flush of love, warmth and sweetness comes over me as I contemplate the many family and beloved friends who feed me, feed my heart, mind and soul.

They gift my life with their love, their ease of sharing their hearts with me, my ease in sharing mine with them. They gift my life with wonder and curiosity, new things to learn, study, know. New things to see and experience. Playing dolls with my 4 year old grand niece and my soon to be 2 year old grand nephew smiling gleefully at me. My 12 year old grand nephew letting me kiss and hug him as he feigns revulsion. My sister gifting me with Greek yogurt and saying: "Don't even ask!" when I begin to want to pay her. A friend telling me that Patti Smith would visit a local bookstore and waiting nearly 2 hours with me to see her. A son who visits and takes delight in talking about his life. Planning a long trip and traveling with another friend. Another calling me to cry about her lost wife, knowing I will understand.

I am able to call them at any hour and they will only give me kindness, understanding, acceptance. And they know I will do the same.
Humans in my life who I can count on, who give me advice, caring, love, ideas. Who complete me.

A new soul has come into my life who also feeds me well, in many respects. Oh how lucky, how very lucky and blessed am I.

In Acceptance

2010-02-03T17:48:00.000-08:00

Each sunset is unique and beautiful. Each eye sees what they especially love in the uniqueness and beauty. Sunsets. People. Place. How wonderful to be at peace with our world, inner and outer. Total acceptance of what is. Certainty that what is, is our truth, our reality, and have peace with it. What is meant to happen, does indeed happen; often easily, almost gracefully. Feel complete and whole in feeling fine, in gratitude for what I have, in feeling perfect in what I know I create.

I also realize that truly, at its core, I am but a co-creator of my world; I work with Divine forces beyond my wildest conception. And I love that I am here, in acceptance.

A Blessed Day

2010-01-27T20:43:00.000-08:00

Butterflies and dolphins blessed my sight today. In a town north of Santa Barbara, Goleta. Who could ask for anything more than a pod of dolphins swimming off the pier, and inland, hundreds, hundreds of large monarch butterflies floating overhead in the tops of the sun seeking eucalyptus trees silhouetted in the brilliant sky.
It was quite wonderful.

Dusting To Honor Company

2010-01-26T23:40:00.001-08:00

I am dusting when I should be in bed, asleep. I am looking foward to tomorrow and cannot sleep. So I dust in honor of a friend's visit. She will be honored by my dusting deeply, this is my bow to her. Here, I will do this task in your honor. Please accept this gift from me.

And tonight as I dusted, I received a gift from the Universe, a gift of knowing. I've never liked dusting, generally. In fact I generally avoid housework as best I may. Margaret loved to dust, so I was thrilled that she'd regularly make the house shine. She extended the glow by lighting incense and candles. Then the house became magic. She could create magic. And she always created beauty in her world. Her eye was impeccable.

Dusting, deep dusting requires a good rag, and something that will let the wood sparkle. It takes time, especially if you're picking up each object, dusting it and settling it back where it belongs. Time to take a look at what you've just arranged, just created. Letting your eyes take in the beauty of your objects displayed.

It is exactly in the lifting, feeling, looking at each piece that I now see, I now realize, brings a flood of memories. Of where this piece was displayed in our home, before. I shudder at this Knowing, and am totally content with their new placement.

Caterpillar

2010-01-24T10:56:00.000-08:00

You’re usually found on trees, branches, twigs, leaves, walking, munching happily; not on the open ground, a roadway where unaware feet may trample you and certainly swift quadrillion times your weight cars will crush you to nothing. You’re lumbering along on the roadway we share this morning. Knowing your fragility, I lift you up (afraid of me, you curl into a complete circle of soft bristles), I’m amazed at your non weight in my hand, and place you on the nearest branch where my mind tells me you belong. Did I just disrupt the order of life?

Does Everything Sundrenched Smell Delicious?

2010-01-18T16:01:00.000-08:00

My head in the uppermost branches of my tangerine tree, I'm standing precariously on my six foot ladder, merrily picking fruit. I feel safe, immune from falls, scraps, even the dread finger lopped off by my trusty #2 Felco pruners. Doesn't faze me at all. No. I'm just happy to be up here, deep in the branches of this lovely, non-demanding, always generous tree.

But I nearly slip, catching an armful of supple branches which square me back to balance on the topmost step, the one I'm warned against using. My head and face are thrust deep into the leaves of these saviour branches, and I have the good fortune to breathe deeply.

I am greeted by my sweet doggie dog's scent after soaking in the sun; by the smell of my arm, catching the sun's glory beating into my flesh as I drive down the road; by the smell of new washed laundry brittlely dry on the line.

To my great surprise and delight, the tangerine leaves smell just like my sweet doggie dog, my own sundrenched skin, my laundry ablaze with sunshine particles dusting our beings.

Being Taken

2010-01-11T19:20:00.000-08:00

I’m beginning to comprehend
that I must do a courtship dance
and agree to being taken
rather than me taking.
This time I get taken
by the one I wish to take.

Four Years

2010-01-03T19:19:00.000-08:00

Four Years

For years I’ve wished for the ability to breathe, freely, joyfully, loving every aspect of my life. I wanted either this level of normalcy and bliss, or death. I had had this level of bliss in my life, I knew what it daily felt like, and I wanted it again. Or death. Either/or.

I knew I was mired in the place of such extreme pain that nothing matters. Having this space of pain, daily, hurts. It is painful, physically as well as mentally, soulfully painful. Days of sitting and staring and not seeing, just crying and wishing I would die. I felt my soul being shredded. I felt daily dragged through hell, inch by inch.

When I learned of Lydia’s prognosis in mid-September, that she had only weeks to live, a small part of me, a tiny part, but one which sought and received acknowledgement, wanted to die in her place. I envied her too soon death. I wanted it to be me. I had lost my life with the one I adored, I'd had my cake and my fill, I needed nothing more.
But this envy never became more than acknowledgement, the envy of her death truly never caused me to stop listening to Tina and Beyonce at the top of their game full blast in the car. Feeling good. I was getting out, near daily. I was seeing, doing, being with others. Doing groups, participation, participation in life, in my world. Being willing to create my life, alone, with others in active voice, with desire to be heard.

But...the creation of my life, solely, does cause me depression. I recently wrote my dear friend Janice the fact of my recognition of the times I feel depressed and how it is bound to the reality that I create my life solely. Alone.
I’ve lived more years coupled or grouped than not, and I seem to prefer such living versus living alone. In fact these four years have been the longest I’ve lived alone in my life.

Sometimes it is painful, true. But mostly it has become amazingly delicious and freeing. I pinch myself daily, fully conscious and alive to all that I am grateful for. I understand that I can now create a joy and richness for my heart and soul which rivals anything I had with Margaret. The richness and joy with her, amazing, what a once in a lifetime experience to have this level of love with another. But now I have the capacity to create this level of richness and joy with a group of women, with people. I relish what life is offering.

I wish to acknowledge the passing of four years exactly since her passing. Margaret died only three days after turning fifty nine. No one expected this. No one. It caused pain and it was disruptive.

I want to acknowledge the disruption, the major disruption which death causes the ones left. Total disruption in all aspects of one's life, including a disruption of one’s previous reality. Death is now part and parcel of reality. Death never truly existed before. Death is here, and now demands to be accounted for in the rest of my life. Death is certain disruption. Death now gets factored in. Always.

Four years, and I have accepted, adapted; and I am beginning to thrive on the disruption. I go on, and choose joy and love and communication with others.

Nipple Moon - Night of December 29th

2009-12-31T13:13:00.000-08:00

Near full, always perfect, tonight you glow brilliantly white
in the middle of your large red, pink, gray areola,
resting perfectly centered
in the cotton clouds of your breast.

Oh moon, soon to be full, patient, always waiting silently
for our upward glance.
Whether a happenstance glimpse of the sky,
or a purposeful nightly search, you sit,
unperturbed by the longings,
impressions, symbolism
placed on your celestial body.

Margaret's Birthday

2009-12-31T13:08:00.001-08:00

December 31, 2009

She would be 63 today. Her hair would be grayer, wisps of gray in a sea of dark brown streaking her temples. Her hair carried her delicious smell, always sweet, always inviting. I could breathe in her essence and never tire of its myriad fragrant complexity. Her entire body carried this sweet elixir. Her radiant smile would light up her face; her eyes would sparkle, and her soul would come through these optic portals. Her hands would be busy, always busy; sorting sports cards or coins, stringing beads or creating animal bone and feather works of art when at home; twisting a strand of fabric, rubbing her fingers together, or kneading the ever present small dollop of clay when at the office. Her personality was contagious, people gravitated to her intelligence, good humor and ability to talk with anyone. Even if depressed, once in the world, her spirit of curiosity and genuine caring for others would get the best of the clouds and pain surrounding her heart.
She disliked this day chosen by the Universe as her day of birth. The last day of the year, filled with the ubiquitous “Looking Back”, “Lists of the Year’s Favorite Whatever”, and people already celebrating, rejoicing New Life, a New Year, New Hopes, New Dreams too busy to come to celebrate Her Birthday. Well I rejoice, I celebrate you and your contribution to end human suffering, one person, one client at a time. Would that your soul could have ceased its long suffering prior to its return home.
I honor you today with these words of love.

Diversity

2009-12-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

Watched Kinsey last night for the first time. Never realized that he was a zoologist, prior to studying human sexual behavior. So he brought his preconceived, and scientifically correct observation that DIVERSITY is the hallmark of all creation to his study of humans. And today we, of open heart and universal mind, champion DIVERSITY. How wonderful that what we feel in our hearts has been repeatedly, resoundingly confirmed by those who measure.

Circle

2009-12-22T22:32:00.000-08:00

Each week women gather to talk, to share,
their hearts, their souls, their cares, their gratitudes,
the depth of their lives.

Each week we end with a circle of hands holding hands.

I wrote the following for the women, who I honor.

Affirm the time, the place, the circle of women,
the touch of women, the feel of women,
our energy, this sacred space,
yourself, yourself, your precious self,
your heart, your soul, your connection to The Divine.

Affirm all this....and extend this to others.
Affirm/Acknowledge is consciousness is awareness is honoring.
Honor yourself and others.

Mattock to Earth

2009-12-18T13:47:00.000-08:00

Pounding, regular, rhythmic blows to the Earth.
Mattock in hands, hefty to lift, easy to descend
to hit, to pound, to cut
the Earth.

I till the Earth as an excuse to vent my anger.

Ahhh, so much better to hit Her, Mother of Life,
than another.

Hit Mother Earth with our tears, our blood,
our bodies, our waste, and mattock too.
She graciously receives our All, without complaint.

Hit the Goddess’ belly, firmament, mantle
conscious all the while of the opportunity
to shift my anger, to Her.
Rather than keep it in.
Each blow by blow.

...Reflecting on tilling my Mendocino county hillside in the early 1990's; I was still angry then. I'm now not angry, just grateful...

Sweet Dog

2009-12-12T23:06:00.000-08:00

My sweet doggie dog, lying on the balcony, head up, sniffing the wind.
What captures your imagination,
what goes through your mind
as the particles of All float by?

Do you remember your youth, escaping into the wooded spaces near our home,
running, chasing, searching, always for more food I’m sure;
coming home hours later, not a bit contrite.
You were beta to your older sister who passed last year,
who wanted to be alpha even to me.
With your sister’s passing, your deepest qualities of unconditional love,
steady companionship,and fun now shine fully,
or maybe I’m now just able to see.

My sweet doggie dog, Reilley, I love that you have your routines, your rhythms, your needs.
If I don’t feed you within your perceived timeframe of need,
you whimper ever so slightly, almost inaudibly, at first;
and if I continue with my perceived timeframe of need,
your whimpers become clearer, louder, seeking
my attention, the food, the walk which always follows.

I love that you continue to lie in the morning sun, head up smelling the air,
here on our Ventura balcony; just as you did on our Mendocino deck.

Persimmon Surprise

2009-12-09T14:06:00.000-08:00

There’s a season to eating persimmons, November and December months, when they are abundant, and newly harvested from local trees, local Ventura county ranches. When these bright orange orbs dominate my counter top fruit bowls.
Presently, they’re available for 50 cents a pound. A steal, when the only waste is truly their beautiful, dry, flowered calyx. They make the perfect snack food with either tea or coffee. They have just the right amount of lusciousness without being messy. (Now a mango is truly luscious, but unless it is served, peeled and cut, on a plate, it’s a messy fruit; best consumed over the kitchen sink while waiting for something to cook or water to boil. )

Persimmons are far from messy; their beautiful flame orange skin and flesh, have just the right amount of firmness, texture, and perfectly sweet taste.
I love both the heart shaped hachiya and the flat fuyu. They’re both loaded with unpronounceable carotenoids: cryptoxanthin, lutein, zeaxanthin, which keep inflammation, thus cancer, at bay. The fuyu are more popular and cheaper here, so I eat more of these. They are eaten as you would eat an apple, in hand, just bite for delicious bite. Very satisfying, crunchy, sweet, easy to eat. Occasionally a small, flat, dime sized, dark brown seed appears. These are always a wonderful tongue treat and beg to have the bit of clinging soft flesh removed prior to discarding. An uncomplicated fruit, the fuyu become the perfect package of satisfying sweetness.

The hachiya, on the other hand, must sit for several days to become totally soft, not quite mushy, but very, very soft before eating. This takes patience and occasional gentle squeezes, then more patience. Once ready, you are in for an amazing experience of joy and delight. If you think you’re going to fool The Creator and bite into the hachiya prior to the very, very soft stage, ha! you’ll get a puckered mouth of astringent flavorless mass clinging to your teeth. So wait.

Once ready, take the soft hachiya gently in hand, and take a tiny bite from the tippy top of the fruit. The pointiest part. Take a wee bite, and slowly begin to suck. You will naturally bite back more of the skin as you continue to suck; same as you would bite back little pieces of an ice cream cone, going all around.

So you’re sucking out the amazingly delicious, sweet gelatinous hachiya ooze and lo! the real surprise! You encounter a piece of sturdy, yet supple membrane which you would swear feels just like a woman’s _____ (this is left blank purposely, for you to fill in) on your tongue.

Ah, now you understand why it was so worth the wait! It is quite a wonderful tongue and mouth feel from a piece of fruit; quite a wonderful mixture of sensations. Quite a surprise!

Complex, like good wine, like good people.

Goddess is smiling and loving us love Her.

Again

2009-12-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Trying to love again.
Oh...the trepidation.
The uncertainty.
The total unease of not knowing.
Is she the one?

"It's so Gay"

2009-12-04T11:01:00.000-08:00

I just heard a young woman use the word "gay" with the intention of saying, "bad/wrong/stupid." I'd never heard gay used this way before, though I'd read about such use by our youth.
Upon hearing this, it felt wrong/bad/stupid to hear it come out of her mouth.

Will the hatred never end?

Joy

2009-11-30T19:42:00.000-08:00

Not happiness.
Better.
An All Encompassing Happiness/Glee
Open….
Full….
Total….
Wonder….
Gratitude….

May you feel it daily.

….eldermuse.net….

Joy is returning to my soul, my Being. I can feel her creep back in…. slowly,
yet surely.

One way she manifests is through music.
For months my world was silence, broken by the news, Bill Moyers, Ellen, Mad Men, Rachel Maddow; and regular sister phone calls. For months I was in a pit of limbo. The walking dead.

Slowly, slowly, I began to listen to music: at the computer, in the car. Only a little at a time, cause each song, each piece would remind me of Margaret. I’d cry. Especially when driving, and of course at home. Then I wouldn’t listen to music for awhile again. I knew it would cause me to remember.

But I discovered that I could find NEW music (duh! – I know, why didn’t I think of it sooner?....but... I wasn’t ready, truly) and just listen and enjoy this music which has no intrinsic associations with Margaret. So I found Annie Lennox’s new album and fell in love with her voice; and fell in love again with Tina Turner’s voice; and now Beyonce. She is the new Tina, she sizzles.

I’m now not just listening, but enjoying it too.
I am loving the sound of good music. I was unhearing before.

I was sleeping before, sleeping the Deep Sleep of Renewal,
the pullback, the necessary solitude of the soul.
I was sleeping to the world, to the beauty of Joy.

Daily Thanking

2009-11-24T20:54:00.000-08:00

Extend the Thanksgiving holiday daily into your lives.
Give Thanks to the Divine, to the Divine Mystery, to your Higher Self,
for as much as you can.

Certainly for major events: you caught your child as she was about to fall badly;
you missed the two car collision on the freeway by seconds; you passed your enterance exam.

But more so, for the daily, hour by hour things
which work, which go as intended:
the keys found in a pocket; the bread with jam
which doesn't fall jam side down;
the computer which works smoothly
most of the time;
music;
clouds; cell phones.
And all, any people, when they do something good.

These things, large and small, make up our lives.

Be conscious, as often as you're able.

You'll notice, that when we're conscious of the here and now
(taking a nano second to notice),
only then, when we're conscious of what we have,
can we give Thanks.

Create Thanks as part of the consciousness of the good in your life, in the world.

This is what I try to do. I wish this for you. Daily Thanking.

Sister, The One Left

2009-11-21T10:08:00.000-08:00

Sister, let’s not fight.
Let not words of bitterness, anger
pass between us.
Know that we love each other and always will.

We meet with friends of our most beloved,
departed middle sister.
We meet monthly, two remaining sisters,
two remaining dear friends, to honor her life.
She brings us together, these four who knew
her best.

Sharing a monthly meal, remembering her smile,
her wit, her politics.
In our monthly gather we see
each others’ near imperceptible changes
and comment on hair, health, a scarf, a pin,
some acknowledgement of love, of being seen.

We ask about the loved ones in our lives, spouses, brothers,
sisters, children. We ask about work, travel, the food.
We toast our lives, her life.
“Happy Birthday!” as glasses tinkle with touch.
“Happy Birthday!” has become our all purpose toast,
coined by a brother whose wit is used to confound others:
Someone always has a birthday, everyday!

The talk always turns to politics, and our sister is
watching and smiling from her place on the other side.
We all agree that things must change,
the insanity of their pay and benefits
while others suffer;
the hatefulness of their words meant to harm.
This is the worst it has ever been, even worse than
the nightmares of 1963 and 1968 and Nixon and Reagan.
This time is worse and God save us from their ignorance.

As we bullet fire our words across the table, my sister, my
sister’s friends, I, interrupt each other;
interject thoughts which can’t wait,
rapid words bursting into the packed din of shared ideas.

And it is always here, at this point, at this apex of our purposeful politicking
that you my sister feels slighted, left behind, unheard,
disrespected; by each, but especially by me.

Our banter winds down, our meal is ended, the next patrons eye our table.
We set another date to meet, next month again,
same time and place.

My sister has something to give me, so we walk to her car and she extracts a bag of her love.
A gift to her youngest sister, her flesh her blood
walking, talking in a separate body.
Always something extra from her home:
some fruit, dish soap, dog treats, a handy container;
something to share, to give, to extend the time, to extend her love.

And always at this time, the other two have long gone,
my sister tells me her hurt;
how she is not heard, not honored, interrupted, by each,
but especially by me.

And always I protest; not true, in fact she is the one who interrupts,
doesn’t let the others, but especially me, finish a sentence.
She vows to stop coming to our monthly meetings to honor our deceased sister.
She vents her hurt at her flesh, her blood, walking, talking in a separate body.
Her words fly, rapid fire, meant to show her hurt, her slight.

We must leave, we are loud in the California parking lot, someone might hear.
We say goodbye, “I’ll see you next week”.
We even kiss, give a slight hug; knowing we would always regret not doing so,
if the worst happens.
She always ends with:
But know that I love you.

And our sister is watching, smiling, silent, from her place on the other side.

FDA Bans "Smart Choice" Program

2009-10-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

Today we had a victory for reason vs. insanity!

The Food Industry's "Smart Choice" program was banned by the FDA!! (See the blog: New Food Industry Fraud, Septembe 7, 2009). The FDA said:

"...such programs may mislead consumers about the health benefits of certain foods, and it told manufacturers it will crack down on inaccurate labeling."

I wonder if Bush Boy's administration would have put a stop to such a humiliating program. But HOORAY for the good sense of Dr. Margaret Hamburg!!!

How Dear Is This Life

2009-10-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

Tina Turner's song, Way of the World starts with:
"B-a-b-y, I need a hand to hold tonight.
One bright star to remind me, how dear is this life."

What a beautiful refrain: how dear is this life.
Especially when sung in Tina's expressive, husky voice.

Listening to Tina and thinking of Lizi.
I don't want Lizi to forget How Dear is This Life.

Lizi, give yourself as much Time as you can, not eaten by the work of the world.
Give yourself the months, years, you'll need to free yourself of the daily torture you presently face. The daily numbness, heartache, and depression which causes your soul to shrivel, to desire isolation and death.

I pray you can give yourself Comfort now.

We are entering the months of darkness and retreat,
the time of frigid days and nights when the world demands
that truly the strongest survive.
When life requires dormancy for survival.
May you have Comfort now.

A hand to hold, a bosom to howl in, the warmth of hot tea and family.
The long sleep needed for ultimate renewal.
Give yourself Comfort and Time, to slowly ease out of the
clutches of Cerberus, and the hounds of hell.

I pray that you keep the need for Acceptance always in your heart.

In time, when you are ready to renew your own life, when you can look around
and feel Joy, can let the music and light in, can dance and sing again;
then I pray you Accept all that has been asked of you by this dear life.

Crescent Moon in Scorpio

2009-10-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

The ides of October, a new dawn, I awake to see a beautiful waning
crescent moon in Scorpio.
How fitting for my Scorpio friend who just left this life, yesterday.
She slowly slipped away, held in the arms of her eternal lover.

I hope to meet her again, as a formless drop
in the Divine Ocean of Bliss.

Amy

2009-10-12T16:54:00.000-07:00

In December of 2008, when I felt at my abject bottom, I sought the guidance of a very wise, loving woman who happens to communicate her wisdom through horoscopes and the tarot. I first sought her guidance in 1976, it made sense to do it at my darkest.
She told me things which I seek to maintain each day as I write. Her words help keep me focused, help provide me with meaning in my life. I seek to be as authentic when I write as I try to be in person.

She told me to:
“Open up to letting the Universe write through you.”
“Communicate what I love.”
“Let my vision come through. I’ve been a writer in past lives.
Approach writing with joy and no attachment. Write because I love it. Write about what I feel passionate about. Seize it and do it. Seize the opportunity. Open up to Purpose energy. Don’t allow fear to get in the way.”
And most importantly the cards told her to say: “Give myself permission to have joy and happiness. Break my karma of grief.”

I’d written down her comments about this reading, and just now took the time to re-read them, and share them.

I believe that her love and vision for me is applicable to all women who seek to share what they love with the world. Honor your voice and your vision. Be a light and model for other women.

Thank you Amy.

Fragile

2009-10-12T13:33:00.000-07:00

As the cold hard reality of the impending death of Lydia takes hold in my being, I must take great care, great effort to not allow my own still fragile re-embrace of life to slip. The pain of her loss evokes my own pain of too many losses. This pain which I vowed to move beyond; I vowed to continue with my life, to live life. The pain is so ready to surface, a slight scratch and it bubbles up creating once again the darkness, the film which can too easily color my day.

Karen Armstrong is interviewed by Tavis Smiley, discussing her new book: The Case for God, and she states an essential truth, which I paraphrase:
It's not the BELIEF in God/Goddess/The Divine which changes one's life, which creates a sense of meaning in life; rather it's the PRACTICE of compassionate selflessness which brings meaning, richness, deep peace to one's life.

Compassionate selflessness. The ability to place yourself in the other person's shoes. And not judge. Feel mercy and tenderness for another's soul, for their human condition. PRACTICE this and your life will be full.

I am feeling deep compassion for Lydia and Lizi. They are suffering the knowledge of impending loss, Lydia's death. I imagine a huge red ball of love hoovering over them, embracing and engulfing them. I imagine them holding each other tenderly, lovingly, stroking, touching, soothing the pain of separation, loss.

And I must continue to have compassion for my heart, my soul too. I must not let the anticipation of a dear friend's death keep me from my vows to practice this art of living.

Earthquake Survivors

2009-10-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

We survive an Earthquake. The earth quakes
beneath our feet. Disrupts our life, rips our
home to shreds. Causes pain and more pain.

Those who survive Earthquakes, Floods, Fire,
Death have a taste of Hell. A flavor of the
unimaginable, unspeakable.

May Peace and Peace and More Peace pervade
their souls, our souls.

For Lizi

2009-10-01T09:32:00.000-07:00

Lizi, wife of Lydia, soon to be widowed.
I am widowed, three plus years, and want you to hear this,
want that these words somehow ease the enormity of your pain.
Which can never happen.
I know you will have your pain, despite my words, despite my tears.

I must tell you,
Now is NOT the time to doubt/regret/have second thoughts
about any of your actions.
Now is the time to act as clearly as your soul shines
reflecting Divine Love.

For the next number of weeks, just be with Lydia fully,
wholly, as a mother is with her newborn infant.
As new lovers are with each other.
She is all hers. You be all hers.

I wish you total clarity about what to do. The ability
to go inside, to be with yourself daily. The ability to
know what to do.

When with yourself, give time to reflect, give thanks,
feel loss; cry, cry, and more cry.

I know your pain intimately. I feel my pain when I feel yours.
It is hell; sheer hell. Nothing will mitigate your torture.
I wish I could.

You will survive this, you will come out strong and clear,
and you will even thrive.
All in time. All in time. But now is the time to Act
with clarity, without regrets.

Acceptance Not (Yet)

2009-09-26T19:36:00.001-07:00

Acceptance.
Can I accept?
Which phrase don't I understand?
And so it is.
It is what it is.
Being.
Being Here and Now.
Being OK with the Here and Now.
The Now.
Now.
Now is perfect.

I am alright with Now, and I Love the Being Here and Now most often, and I know that what Is often just Is, and can’t be changed.

But.........
Presently, I must Accept the dying of two dear friends. One will precede the other within the year. And if not in a year, then too soon. The loss of two people who I turn to for love, answers.

Both know of their impending death from cancer. They have time to process and make peace and Accept. Just as I must come to Accept that these two dearest ones will soon be unavailable physically. They'll still give me answers, if I'm open to listen to them. But the physical here and now of contact will be gone.

It is Yom Kippur today, and I can't stop thinking of them.

One is Laura. She recently gave me one of the greatest gifts one could receive: words of wisdom that penetrate one's soul. Words which ring true as soon as they are heard, which cut to the quick, which must be examined, pondered, thus made my own, taken into my being. Once I caught their meaning, her words had the power to change my frame of reference, my angle of vision, my point of view, and I opened to the hormonal shifts which this new perspective created: a peaceful cascade of cellular changes. Her wisdom and power has now totally infused me, has become part of my fabric, my new truth. Laura’s words were the catalyst to help shift my focus, thus shift my pain/discomfort level.

I spent two wonderful days at Laura's home in Willits, less than one mile from where Margaret and I had lived. Being there was comforting to me on a very deep level. It felt easy to be there, easy to talk and try to make myself useful with cooking and small chores. And my comfort in her home was increased by the presence of Margaret's favorite chair and some artwork which Laura purchased after Margaret's death. So I was surrounded by pieces of my old home, as well as Laura's love.

Laura has terminal breast cancer which has spread to her liver, lungs, and spine. Her most recent bout of chemo therapy has made her bald, revealing a very beautiful head. She is graceful beyond words. She glides across the floor when up, and gestures gracefully with her hands when sitting, which is usually the case; her stamina is poor.

Sitting and talking in her living room on the first of our two days together, I complained that my soul, when I am in southern California, my current home, is not being fed. “My soul’s not being fed there.”

And she wisely replyed,: “No, it is being fed, you just don’t like what it’s being fed. It’s bitter, and you want sweet.”

These were her Words of Wisdom which jolted my being. Which caused my positive shift of perspective. After pondering her reply, I had an epiphany: Who is responsible for what my soul eats/is fed? Why me, only I alone am responsible. (Excluding Grace of Course, which may feed our soul without our doing, out of the blue, a blessing.) So I've gone about my life here in southern California with a lighter step, with more daily joy, with mindfulness of feeding my soul.

This is just one very small piece of what this woman Laura has given me. She is my dear friend and I don’t want to lose her. I know it is “only” on the physical plane, but this plane houses the specific soul package of Laura, who I can phone and ask: “Now tell me again, how do cells communicate?” She always explains things so easily and gracefully. She is one of the smartest people I know. She is a physician, can learn/figure out anything, has tremendous, true insight, is vulnerable, is self aware. She is a graceful and wise woman. And what an honor to witness her beauty, grace, and wisdom.

She shared the eulogy she wrote for herself, and I have her permission to quote from it:
"I do believe that surrendering to Divine will allows the Universe to work in ways that are infinitely benign, although unfathomable. My surrender was a daily commitment, and some days were easier than others. But even the bliss of total surrender embraces the very human grief we feel with loss."

Michael Pollan Rocks!!!

2009-09-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Quote from Michael Pollan's editorial in this morning's N.Y. Times, as a reaction to President Obama's speech to Congress last nite:
"Even the most efficient health care system that the administration could hope to devise would still confront a rising tide of chronic disease linked to diet.

That’s why our success in bringing health care costs under control ultimately depends on whether Washington can summon the political will to take on and reform a second, even more powerful industry: the food industry.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, three-quarters of health care spending now goes to treat “preventable chronic diseases.” Not all of these diseases are linked to diet — there’s smoking, for instance — but many, if not most, of them are.
Cheap food is going to be popular as long as the social and environmental costs of that food are charged to the future. There’s lots of money to be made selling fast food and then treating the diseases that fast food causes. One of the leading products of the American food industry has become patients for the American health care industry."

Michael Pollan Rocks!!! Keep Telling It Like It Is!!!!

New Food Industry Fraud

2009-09-07T16:38:00.000-07:00

Hello FDA,
I do hope that someone there is listening:
Please do NOT allow our disease producing food industry to use their new:

Smart Choices Program

to mislead the public by adding their newest trick,
a green check mark "Smart Choice" label to food packages.

As Marion Nestle (Professor of Nutrition/Food Studies at N.Y. University) so aptly stated, "This is just another gimmick of the food industry. People need to be eating food which is as UNPROCESSED as possible."

Please FDA, do not allow "food" such as Froot Loops to get this industry generated Smart (Stupid) Choice label.

Our food industry has mis-informed the American consumer for decades.

They are the new Tobacco Industry - creating disease and death, and getting away with it.

INSTEAD: Why not the FDA create a TRUE Smart Choice Label: with a big fat RED X marked on all disease creating food, such as:

~~food with greater than 50% refined flour

~~food with greater than 30% of calories from refined sugars

~~food with greater than 200 mg sodium per serving

~~food which contains trans fat

~~food which contains greater than 30% saturated fat

I am a retired Registered Dietitian and know the pain and suffering caused by our present food industry, and especially our fast food industry.

Thank You,

Mary Farkas, M.S., M.A. Retired R.D.

Let the FDA hear from YOU: consumer@fda.gov

Dear Mr. President

2009-09-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

I wrote this to Barack today. The White House has a place for each of us to post a letter to our President. I want him to be My President; that's why I voted for him. I am not naive, I am not angry.

But my soul is weary. I am tired of seeing lines of thousands waiting for health care from Remote Area Medical, a non-profit originally set up to serve the poor in "non-developed" nations. I am tired of seeing starving children in African nations torn by war. I am tired of hearing stories of brutality to women and children, and seeing their lives disrupted by refuge camps, rape, torture, lack of everything; I am tired of knowing that 1 in 6 people do not have access to clean water. I am weary of the Insanity that passes for human adulthood.

So I wrote a letter to Barack. It doesn't address ALL of the things I'm weary of, but it's a way to put my voice into the world, like a prayer. We put the voice of our soul into the world.

Dear Sir, Mr. Obama, My President,
I write to you as a life long Democrat who was even a Young Democrat in my youth, a Retired Registered Dietitian living on a fixed income, a Lesbian, a daughter of a Holocaust Survivor, a Concerned Loyal Citizen of our Nation.

I voted for you because you said Vote for Me and You Will Get Change. I voted for Change. I voted for a Paradigm Shift. I voted for a Brave Leader to Tackle the Hard, but Necessary Changes we must make.

We must change our system of medicine, which rewards doctors intervening when truly, it's too too late. The African-American woman with hypertension, diabetes, arthritis, maybe even some gastro-esophageal reflux, and over-weight or obesity; this woman who is working full time, caring for her grandchildren, relying on Fast Food to feed her family (McDonalds has a new: 365 Black web site, even); this woman doesn't need a Health Care Machine that eats one-sixth of our budget. No. This woman needs rest, sleep, good quality food, and security of work. When she has this, she will not have the "life-style" diseases which are a hallmark of our obese and poor. Hell, even the Insane Repuglicans are fat (and poor in their souls and minds).

Please, please, please assure passage of MEANINGFUL HEALTH REFORM: a government run insurance alternative with Preventive Care reimbursement (including Medical Nutrition Therapy and Physical Therapy); a government led campaign to change our present School Lunch requirements to those which support, not destroy, health. Tax shifts which begin to punish the purveyors of food which creates disease.

The best defense against Swine Flu or ANY infection is a healthy immune system. Subsidize those foods which promote immune health.

I Love You. I am Grateful, Daily, To God, Goddess, The Creator that You Are My President. Be My President.
Mary Farkas, M.S., M.A.
my website: www.eldermuse.net

Obama At Teddy's Funeral

2009-08-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

Did you catch the depths of emotion on Barack's face, a few minutes before Teddy's casket was removed from the hearse by the eight service men. (I had to wonder why at least ONE female military member couldn't be included......)
I believe I now understand Barack's high head tilt, with neck extended, his chin jutting in the air, eyes sometimes closed. This posture has intrigued me for months now. So unlike other politicians who seek the camera on their entire face.

This morning sitting with Michelle solemn by his side, his grief was visable, nay, almost palpable. His heaving deep sigh, quivering chin, and clenched jaw. Holding back tears. He lost the woman he loved the longest in his life, his maternal grandmother, less than a year ago.

I now comprehend that his tilted head is how he can take a private moment for himself, amist any size crowd, any number of cameras attempting to intrude.

Thank You David Goldhill

2009-08-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

More thanks are in order to people in today's world who can see past the insanity. Today I Thank: David Goldhill who wrote an enlightening piece about our health care system.
I quote from his piece in September's The Atlantic (http://www.theatlantic.com/):
How American Health Care Killed My Father:

"Accidentally, but relentlessly, America has built a health-care system
with incentives that inexorably generate terrible and perverse
results. Incentives that emphasize health care over any other aspect
of health and well-being. That emphasize treatment over prevention.
That disguise true costs. That favor complexity, and discourage
transparent competition based on price or quality. That result in
a generational pyramid scheme rather than sustainable financing.
And that - most important - remove consumers from our irreplaceable
role as the ultimate ensurer of value."

He systematically looks at a hospital and health care behemoth which will take more than a trillion dollars to feed, and which takes tax dollars AWAY form the needs which truly affect our health: nutrition (yes, righting our horrible food system which is the cause of fully one-third of all cancers, and all of our "lifestyle" diseases), exercise, education, emotional security, our natural environment, and public safety.

Goldhill writes, "By what mechanism does society determine that an extra, say, $100 billion for health care will make us healthier than even $10 billion for cleaner air or water, or $25 billion for better nutrition, or $5 billion for parks..... The answer is, no mechanism at all. Health care simply keeps gobbling up national resources, seemingly without regard to other societal needs....."

And David Goldhill looked into the monster of health care after his father died from an iatrogenic infection passed on by doctors who didn't wash their hands.
Oh Semmelweis would be rolling in his grave.

Free to Make Peace

2009-08-28T18:58:00.000-07:00

I must walk twice daily to feed my desire to feel the sky
the near constant breeze, the air on my face.
I need this as much as I need/desire my two cups of strong
black tea each morning.

I love to feel how my body moves through the air
interacting with the sounds, large and small,
and the flying creatures that are at eye level;
sometimes even a precious butterfly.

I watch for the creatures at my feet, small lizards mostly,
these seem to be in all hot climes. Their beings on walls
or sidewalks have given me delight in Arizona, Florida,
New Mexico, India, Israel, Mexico, and Peru.
And now here in desert heat that is southern California.

I am making peace with being here.

The twice daily walks help me to experience the fact of air,
temperature, plants and creatures, my surroundings,
the physicality of this part of the earth that I inhabit.

The act of being in the space of the world, allowing my body
to feel the world, allowing my mind to connect to my Creator,
to connect to what is good in my life; this brings me joy
and routine.

Anytime a soul can be outdoors, she is free to make peace
with her life. Free to see a perspective broader than the
confines of her home walls and mind.

Life Always Wins

2009-08-14T22:15:00.000-07:00

When two people you love
seemingly more than life
die suddenly, unexpectedly;
both less than six months apart…
it more than unsettles, more than upsets.
So very much more.

Such that after four years since my sister’s death,
and three and a half years after Margaret’s death,
I experience a profound, but commonplace/
everyday awareness of Death;
others’ and my own.
I take nothing for granted.
Everyday may be my last. May be their last.

This awareness becomes OK. Is OK. A given.
Matter of fact.
The awareness of the impermanence
of everyone, even everything.

I don’t dwell on this awareness,
just as I don’t dwell on the fact of the weather.
It is what is and I can’t change it.
This awareness of dissolution is just there,
as part of my given.

And it doesn’t make me sad, or angry, or
anything much; most of the time.

Then there are the times, still the times,
when the impermanence of it all
links with remembrance of something about her;
one or both of them. Margaret or Lexi.

In those melting times, they are as close to my heart and mind
as if they were still here. Still part of my life.
As if I can touch them,
because I can certainly talk with them.

Then I always laugh. Out loud. And say their name. Out loud.
Sometimes over and over.
I give a shout of pure joy, sheer glee.
To be able to feel them again.

It's in these moments that the impermanence becomes permanence.
Change becomes constant.
Dissolution is an illusion.
Death becomes Life.
Life again, always wins over death.
My memory of those I loved
and knew intimately, personally,
allows them to live again.

In my heart.

Thank You Michael Pollan

2009-08-05T11:18:00.001-07:00

Another deserving gentleman to Thank: Michael Pollan. Thank you Michael for telling the truth about the food we eat. Your latest N.Y. Times piece deals with the paradox of Americans watching cooking shows, but not cooking. We sit for hours on end watching someone else create dishes and meals, then go out to eat, or order-in "take out." You tell us how cooking is integral to our humanness. How cooking our food allowed our brains to expand, allowed our human communities to develop. How our lack of cooking is hurting us terribly.

I grew up watching Hungarian women cook and bake, bake and cook daily. And sing, or talk, or hum while doing so. Cooking was life, daily life, what had to be done and it was done with love.

Cooking allows a deep transfer of love to what we eat. It is cementing a relationship with the person cooking for herself, or for many; and cementing a relationship with food. She learns to know food intimately. She becomes an expert on the ripeness of a peach or a melon, the freshness of greens, the melding of flavors and textures. Her creation, her love is consumed by herself, or many. There is love in her food. It can be tasted. Nothing will ever take the place of home cooked food. Industry can never replace her love. A woman always cooked for herself or others.

Pollan's latest N.Y. Times article again alerts the reader to the fact that the food we daily consume creates obesity, and disease. And how Big Pharma profits from our suffering. We are eating food industry prepared food because we're not cooking our own. We eat corporate prepared food which has become too salty, sugary, fatty, and much too refined. David Kessler in his new book: The End of Overeating has done the research to prove that the trifecta of fat, salt, and sugar leads to overeating. We overeat food which is designed to create taste bliss (of one sort), and with many more calories than we need, our overeating creates obesity.

How strange that we live in a world structured to support our continued weight gain and poor health, thus enslavement to a broken medical system. A vicious cycle consisting of poor diet, no routine physical activity, overeating, gastro-intestinal discomfort and disease, slow but steady weight gain, back and joint pain, continued lack of physical activity because of the increase in pain, more weight gain, high blood pressure, elevated lipids, elevated blood sugar, increasing inflammation which exacerbates the effect of the elevated blood pressure, lipids, and blood sugars, not to mention the increased joint pain; then finally full blown diabetes, heart disease, or stroke.

Ask any medical person and they will tell you that two primary factors leading to our current "chronic" diseases are diet and lack of physical activity. These "lifestyle" factors which physicians and nurses are at a loss to solve. If only people would lose weight, exercise more.....they wouldn't need this or that medication, medical intervention.

If only.....

Sadly, not only does our population suffer from our "constructed/industry taste" food, our factory farm animals and planet suffer as well. Robert Kenner's film: Food Inc. (see my previous blog entry) details the terrible destruction caused by thousands of animals housed in barbaric conditions. Cattle which used to roam large areas, depositing waste here and there, now deposit waste only in one place. Tons of it. To pollute water bodies, land, air, create green house gases.

Anyone watching TV sees the Big Pharma ads for the "cures" we're to use to "fix" our "lifestyle" problems. Viagra, Cialis, Lipitor, Rolaids, Tums, Pepcid, Tagamet, Phillips Colon Health, Activia, Gas-X, Pepto Bismol, Tylenol and the host of pain relief pills, diabetes supplies, lipid lowering, and the up and coming Alzheimer's "prevention" pills.

Ah, there's a pill to fix all our ills. And create Big Pharma profit; at our expense. Of course Big Pharma doesn't teach us how to PREVENT our pain and problems. There is no money in prevention.

The system is constructed to have us and our medical teams view disease, know disease, use pills to treat disease. Our TV ads daily tell us about disease, and the disease like symptoms these pills create (the "warning symptoms" whispered in the background of the ad). We hear about diseases daily that we may never have known exist.

But not once do the ads tell us about how to PREVENT these medication requiring diseases.

Sigh.

Our medical system does not know how to create health. Our medical personnel certainly do not create it in themselves. They are overworked, over stressed, exhausted, stretched thin, eating poorly, eating alot of sugar (go to any nurses station in any hospital in the U.S. and you will find candy, candy, candy, candy), not exercising regularly, doing many things at once most of the time. These are the people who do not keep themselves healthy. They do not "do" their own health.

If this group of dedicated, hard working, loving people who daily see the diseases produced by the poor diet, lack of physical activity and very highly stressed lives that they themselves lead; if this group of medical professionals cannot themselves stay healthy, then God help the common masses.

Can't we see the paradox, the ridiculousness of a "health care" system which doesn't care for health?

If the millions of medical professionals truly cared for health, wouldn't we have already begun the deconstruction of a food industry system which fails us. Which produces the very diseases which health care must care for. And we over pay for.

Nothing will change until the food production, food delivery system changes. Presently bad food is too cheap, too convenient, too ubiquitious and food which creates health is too expensive, hard to find, and not readily available.

As long as there is profit in not caring about the end result of industry food production, not caring about the obesity, the diabetes, high blood pressure, inflammation, back & joint pain, erectile dysfunction, gastro-intestinal distress and disorder, lack of muscle mass, arthritis, lack of movement, heart disease, cancer and tremendous fatigue that most Americans suffer, then nothing will change.

As long as the food industry can continue to make good profit on polluting and creating disease, nothing will change. We won't have health reform until we have food reform.

We delude ourselves thinking that somehow we "got" diabetes, or heart disease, or erectile dysfunction, or whatever name we give to the end result of our food industry scourge. This disease "happened" to us.

If we cannot claim, cannot "own" our responsibility for our health, then certainly we cannot hold our food system responsible.

Certainly not.

Food Inc.

2009-07-02T21:10:00.001-07:00

The following is an open letter to Robert Kenner, director & producer of Food Inc.

Dear Mr. Kenner,
Thank You for your new film: Food Inc. It is a masterpiece of reporting and exposure of some of the darkest secrets in our nation. (As Jon Stewart said in his interview of you: It's the Abu Ghraib of our food industry.) We have an industrialized food network superstructure (farming, cattle, hogs, chickens, food production, packaging, distribution, sales, marketing, end user consumption) which has become "too big to fail."

This interwoven food system mimics the inter-dependent, global network of financial institutions which were "too big to fail", but they did. The failure of our bankers, rating agencies, government regulators, etc. etc. created havoc, pain, misery, major disruption in people's lives. This disruption was no worse than what some "terrorist" organization could have done to the core of American lives. Obama's administration has set about to alter the playing field of the financial game so that it never again allows AIG monsters which are "too big to fail."

But, apparently no one is stopping the insanity of an industrialized food system which is "too big to fail." And when THIS system fails, it will leave not "just" havoc, homelessness and major life disruption, it will leave the DEATH of thousands of Americans. What's to stop another e. coli outbreak from killing "only" dozens of infants, children and the immune suppressed, not thousands?

Actually, our industrialized food system has ALREADY failed, as evidenced by the epidemics of
obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, gastro-intestinal disorders, and arthritis left in its
wake. With David Kessler's recent book: The End of Overeating, there is no longer doubt about the food industry's manipulation which creates overconsumption. Kessler joins a long list of writers (Eric Schlosser, Michael Pollen, Marion Nestle, Jane Brody, Frances Moore Lappe, Hank Cardello, Doug Garr, Alice Waters, etc.) who have attempted to address the dangers of our current "to big to fail" system. Additionally, there are hundreds, if not thousands of research articles pointing to the disease causing footprint of our food.

Conveniently, after we've become sick from eating our overly refined, processed "food", the boys at Big Pharma step in to sell us, with ever increasing TV and all media advertising, their nostrums, which don't actually cure, but just decrease the pain and suffering caused by industrialized food.

Eating poorly is interwoven into the very fabric and core of current mainstream media, and life. From commercials for food which creates disease, aimed at every age group, to the food provided in our schools, and the lack of time to actually eat this food (ha! no time to eat even highly processed food), which serve as powerful models of eating which creates disease. And
there's the Burger King Don't Bother Me, I'm Eating Man (or sexy woman). Hell, didn't we learn from the Marlborough Man???? Even "left wing" on-line media, such as Huffington Post has ads from McDonalds and Pizza Hut. Duh. Get on it folks, this is TRULY THE STORY about health care reform. Robert Kenner connected the dots for everyone to see.

The constant refrain repeated by each and every one of the food producers interviewed in Food Inc. was: "We are so very good at using/combining science, technology, and engineering [one even processor wistfully said he was truly an engineer] to create profits."

I spent 25 years of my life working as a registered dietitian attempting to un-do the pain and trauma of over consumption of industrialized food. There was no support for my work from the health insurance industry which doesn't honor (reimburse) the need for nutrition counseling (not even for diseases which can ONLY be resolved with such counseling, e.g. Celiac Sprue), nor from the government's MediCare or MediCaid systems. I was not only providing PREVENTION of disease, my work was part and parcel of the TREATMENT of the disease. Physicians too are not supported to provide nutrition guidance; the reimbursement process doesn't recognize "advice" (again this advice is treatment, not just prevention) as worthy of reimbursement.
In fact there is no societal/structural support for truly changing what people eat. Despite all of the calls to "eat more fruit and vegetables," "eat less red meat and saturated fats," "eat less trans fats," "eat less sugar and salt," "eat whole grains"; the individuals with diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure, cancer, gastro-intestinal suffering, etc. are left to fend for themselves. As are the pre-morbid, pre-disease overweight/obese Americans who are walking timebombs. Presently the food which creates health is costly, less convenient, and difficult to find. (Try eating well when traveling!)

Until we give more than superficial lip service to change of diet, our food borne disease outbreaks and epidemics will only get worse. Food Inc. ended with a call to "buy organic, shop local produce, cook more," as SOME solutions to this crisis of health. I say this will NOT solve the problem and does not go far enough. The poor, the most vulnerable CANNOT afford organic, local produce at present prices. Unless their needs are part and parcel of the solution, then "eating well" will continue to be the privilege of the wealthy.

I call for: Subsidies for ALL PRODUCE (fruit, vegetables) so that a mother doesn't have to pay $2.50 for a pound of apples, and $2.00 for a bunch of broccoli. For years, my motto has been: "All produce, 50 cents a pound!" Take the present subsidies for corn and soy, and give them to the fruit and vegetable growers in the land. In addition to these fruit, vegetable subsidies, call for the restaurant/fast food industry to price their fruit and vegetable offerings BELOW the cost of their cheapest itemw.

I call for: An FDA mandate to all commercial bakeries and fast food restaurant bakery producers to substitute at least 40% whole wheat flour for refined, enriched white flour. In 1998 the FDA mandated that all refined, enriched white flour be fortifies with folic acid. This was to decrease the incidence of Spina Bifida (a neural tube defect), which in fact has decreased. The FDA is empowered to act for the benefit of the greatest number Americans. The addition of whole grain wheat to our present refined flours will help ameliorate heart disease and gastro-intestinal suffering.

I call for: Taxation of food which clearly promotes disease: trans fats, saturated fats, products which derive >50% of their calories from added sugars, and products made from 100% refined, enriched white flour.

I call for: Taxation of food producers and farming methods which contribute to water, soil and air pollution. Methane, the gas produced by our cows and cattle, contributes a full 18% to greenhouse gases. Stonyfield Farms in Vermont is showing the world how to decrease cow methane production, by (duh!) feeding cows what they were meant to eat: grass and clovers, NOT soy, corn, and animal by-products. The water pollution from chicken and hog factories is costing us our very lives, and there is not accountability by Tyson, Purdue, or Smithfield.

I call for: Health insurance (from private for-profit insurers, as well as government) reimbursement of Medical Nutrition Therapy (nutrition counseling as part and parcel of disease treatment and prevention).

Lastly, I call for a RE-STRUCTURING OF PROFIT. It is unconscionable that food industry corporations are allowed to continued to profit from feeding Americans disease causing food. Restructure the profit base to REWARD Health Production and Environmental Protection. The LESS obesity, diabetes, heart disease, cancer, gastro-intestinal ills Americans have; and the LESS water, soil, air pollution we have, the more the corporations can make.
If the scientists and engineers can design DISEASE etiological food, they can begin to un-do this process by designing HEALTH etiological food.

When health promoting food is as ubiquitious, cheap, and convenient as the disease promoting food presently is, then we'll begin to have real change. We need recognition that
Public Health, which can only be achieved by consumption of wholesome food, is part and parcel of Public Safety.

To My Anorexic Client About to Enter University

2009-07-01T18:07:00.000-07:00

As you contemplate the world...
Remember to remember the pain.
The pain that came through your soul into you,
your new soul embodiment.
This body which you have yet to love.
The pain was so deep that you even risked
the death of this life.

Despite the risking, and hating, and pain --
you did not succumb to your torture.
You lived.
And in living, you now make a pact with the universe....

That you will not/never forget your years of self hate.
You will put them in their proper perspective:

Your pain has allowed you to enter the realm of wisdom.
Has allowed you to feel your soul;
as well as the world's collective soul.
Has allowed you to feel the cumulative pain of eons.
Has allowed you to open to the Mystery of Life.

You must now learn the yin of the yang.
Learn the opposite of the pain.
Feel the JOY which can only come after great sorrow;
feel the joy of the world, of your life, of your body.
Your charge, your duty is to discover BOTH SIDES.
Allow yourself to enter into the Joy of the Total Creation.

June 15, 2002

Face The Music

2009-06-30T19:29:00.000-07:00

Dying Creates a Clear Distillation
of what life truly means.
What it boils down to; its essence.....
which is Love.

Aging also distills. It makes clear
the reality of change.
Especially the change in our body, and
heart.

After 59 or so, her body becomes the
witness of her lifelong care or neglect.
And there's only empathy for any neglect.
It always comes as a consequence of too much stress,
or pain.

For her heart, she accepts that it has and
will continue to be broken, with death or
heartache;
and she chooses to go on.

As we age, how much pain do we have; in our body,
in our soul.
How have we learned to deal with the pain, and
is it working?

We get to face ourselves and figure out
How To Lessen The Pain.

"If you always do what you've always done,
you'll always get what you've always gotten."

What will it take to Forgive, Have Empathy,
Have Compassion for Yourself.
Then for Others.

...eldermuse.net....

Thank You Deepak Chopra

2009-06-26T21:36:00.000-07:00

Deepak Chopra's tribute to his friend Michael, who just died tragically, needlessly; dared to speak the truth about a medical system which creates and feeds addiction. In Deepak's words:"He was surrounded by enablers, including a shameful plethora of
M.D.s in Los Angeles and elsewhere who supplied him with prescription drugs."
Thank you Deepak for saying what everyone knows but doesn't speak.

We have a very broken medical system.
Wherein physicians prescribe medication which is not titrated to actual need, actual person - sex, age, height, weight, total condition, other meds, diet -
wherein the patient is free to consult as many physicians as they can afford and
obtain the same, or similar addictive medications and take as much as they
please. And we have had notable tragic deaths to testify to this reality.

Margaret died of drug misuse, Anna Nicole died of drug misuse, Elvis, Heath, and now Michael too. And countless ones whose names I don't know. Sudden cardiac event. Iatrogenic cardiac event.

Thank you Deepak for giving voice to Michael's pain and abuse which left
lingering physical/real cellular changes which created disease, physical and mental.

We still wish to think that Descartes was correct, that we are separate from
our bodies, that we are only our minds. "I think therefore I am. "
The people who knew deep pain as children, ALWAYS continue to suffer
pain as adults. Always body pain, sometimes pain of the soul or both.
The Cartesian split pervades medical research and practice.
We have yet to fully accept the fact that our body is dramatically
effected by psychological pain, by what we believe and feel.

Our body, this extension of our hearts and minds which only truly
functions as one with who we are, where we live, what we do,
what we believe.
It is all a perfect unity which keeps being segmented, divided up,
desecrated by the very people, physicians, who know in their guts,
that Descartes was wrong.
Who know that we are truly one unity.

Thank you Antonio Damasio for telling us so.
Thank you Deepak for reminding us that it is so.

Twenty One Years

2009-06-23T19:16:00.000-07:00

Today is twenty one years of relating to Margaret.
Eighteen of them in flesh and blood and three of them
in my heart, mind, and soul.
I have H-O-W-L-E-D at losing her. My being was
daily dragged through Hell, inch by brutal inch....

And here I am, out the other end, reborn.
Learning again how to live, wanting again to live.

Yet I love every minute when I choose to connect
with her, actually "talk to" this human being whose
essence becomes clearer and clearer as I reflect on
her, and our life. My heart still swells upon this reflection.

Twenty one years has brought total peace, acceptance,
and love of her soul as well as of mine.

June 21, 2009

Oh Rumi

2009-06-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

Rumi, I love to enter into the soul of your words.
Words which express an ecstacy that only
Lovers comprehend.
Unconditional; Complete; Giving;
Receiving Love.

This Love is the true reality of the world.
It is the only purpose to life.
Everything else pales.

Eldermuse. June 23, 2009

Loving Love

2009-06-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

If Goddess/God/The Creator Is Love;

Then loving God/Goddess/The Creator is loving Love.